Okay, before we start this book, let's recap everything we already know about Natalie Springer. 1. She snorts when she cries. 2. Her socks always fall down and she has to pull them up all the time. These two things may not seem like a lot, but that is as many character traits as Karen's best friend Nancy (1. She is Jewish. 2. She wants to be an actress.) and two more than Karen's other best friend Hannie (1.[unknown at this time, possibly involves lasers]).
Now that we remember who Natalie is, we can begin! Chapter 1 is titled Flying. Ms. Colman the best teacher who ever lived or ever will live has drawn a bird, a bat, an airplane, a bee, a butterfly, and a kite on the board, and wants the children to guess what they all have in common. The students all think very hard. Hootie the class guinea pig makes guinea pig noises and Karen thinks that maybe he knows the answer. Karen is an idiot. However, she is the first student in the class to realize that all the things on the board can fly. Ms. Colman the best teacher who ever lived or ever will live tells the class that they are going to begin a unit on flight!!! And they will go on field trips!!! Ms. Colman doesn't know why she is cursed to teach second grade to the same students for endless years while none of them age, but she takes advantage of it to plan plenty of field trips.
Chapter 2 is titled Weekends, because this is one of the last books before Karen starts splitting time between her parents evenly. It should be titled Chapter 2. I do not read it.
Chapter 3 is titled Sassy. Sadly it is not about Karen shooting off her mouth. It is about Hank's pet canary, Sassy. Hank's father brings Sassy in and talks to the class about how Sassy flies. Natalie is afraid of Sassy. Karen tells Natalie, “It's okay. He won't hurt you.” Karen has clearly never seen the Alfred Hitchcock documentary The Birds. Also, this is one of the few times I have seen Karen say it's instead of it is. I am confused and a little unsettled.
It is time for the field trip to the airport. The day before, Ms. Colman reminds Karen that she has not turned in her permission slip. The next day, Karen walks in waving her permission slip in the air and yelling that she remembered her lunch money too. Ms. Colman manages to not look too disappointed. You know she wanted Karen to forget her permission slip and have to stay at school all day. Then Ms. Colman announces that everyone should pair up. Karen, Hannie, and Nancy are pissed because they all want to be partners, but then Addie (personality traits: 1. is in a wheelchair 2. sticks stickers on the wheelchair tray all the time) decides to be partners with Nancy. Natalie does not have a partner. Pamela, Leslie, and Jannie are all holding hands. Ms. Colman tells them that one of them will have to be partners with Natalie. They all make it very clear that they don't want to be Natalie's partner. Ms. Colman, the best teacher ever, lets them be total bitches and draw straws. Leslie gets the short straw and has to be partners with Natalie. She is a total bitch about it. Ms. Colman the best teacher ever appears not to care. Karen and Hannie pretend to be Lovely Ladies on the bus. I wonder how much longer this book is.
During the tour of the airport, Karen makes sure to tell us, “In case you did not know it, I flew on a plane once all by myself.” I knew that, actually. I didn't care, but I knew. The partners get to take turns sitting in the cockpit of a real airplane. Leslie is a bitch to Natalie some more. Karen thinks about sitting by Natalie at lunch, but Natalie takes a long time to pick her food, and in Karen's world, thinking about sitting by someone doesn't extend to actually saving them a seat. In case you did not know it, Karen is self-centered.
Back at school in between field trips, Ms. Colman informs the class that they will be studying kites, because why the hell not. She's stuck teaching second grade for eternity, and she's always wondered how exactly kites work. The art teacher, Mr. Mackey, brings in kites for the kids to look at. Then he announces that they will each get to make their own kite and they will stay after school on a Friday and have a kite flying competition and spend the night at the school. The kids are all very excited for this. Elementary school me would have been planning a sudden onset of vague stomach pains for that day. Then Mr. Mackey tells them that they will be taking a trip to the kite store before they begin making their kites. He is totally taking over Ms. Colman's job of making Surprising Announcements.
In chapter 7, it is finally the day of the trip to the kite store! Stoneybrook has the most useless stores. Mrs. Moody, who runs the kite shop, announces that the winner of their kite flying competition will get a $25 gift certificate to spend at the kite store. Ms. Colman is going to have to work harder if she wants to regain her supremacy at making Surprising Announcements. Karen is already picking out what she will win with her prize money. Nobody will ever accuse Karen of having low self-esteem.
Chapter 8 is called Natalie's Bad News. As Karen and Andrew return home from a weekend at the Big House, Seth is getting off the phone with Natalie's parents. Apparently Natalie's grandfather has died, and her parents are traveling to his funeral. Normally they would dump Natalie on her relatives, but they are going to the funeral too, so Natalie is going to stay with Karen's family. I guess just taking Natalie with them was never really an option. It makes shit take so much longer at the airport when you have to stop every fifteen feet for your kid to pull up her socks. Plus she'd totally disrupt Grandpa's funeral by snorting while she cried. And really, isn't staying with Karen Brewer the best way to learn about death? Oh, wait, no, that's actually the best way to learn about wishing you were dead, my mistake.
Before Natalie comes over, Lisa has a chat with Karen about being nice to her guest. When Natalie's parents drop her off, Karen informs us that their socks are droopy and their glasses are sliding down their noses. They are all sloppy. Karen is kind of a snot. I am busy trying to figure out how two adults can be wearing socks that droop so obviously that a 7-year old notices. Do they buy all their socks at the odd-lot sock emporium, which is probably located near the kite shop and the steno notebook shop? Anyway, Karen feels pity for Natalie and decides she will do whatever Natalie wants while she's visiting.
At school, all the kids are being nice to Natalie while they work on their kites. Karen makes sure to tell us how great her own kite is, then gives us a couple of bitchy paragraphs about Natalie's. It is the color of a dirty nickel and has old rags for a tail. Karen wonders if Natalie's kite will fly or if it will be too embarrassed to be seen in the sky. At least she doesn't wonder out loud, I guess.
After school Nancy comes over to play, but Natalie takes forever making and eating her snack so they don't actually play. Then Karen complains because Natalie doesn't want to play with Karen's rat and she drips some water on the floor when they're washing up for supper. Not only that, the bitch has the nerve to take the chicken wing Karen wanted and they watch the tv show Natalie likes instead of the one Andrew likes. I don't see why Lisa doesn't toss her out of the house then and there.
The next day, Hannie and Nancy come over to play, and Karen suggests they make little kites and try to fly them, but Natalie wants to try to fly instead. They make cardboard wings and try jumping off the porch, but it's not high enough. Unfortunately Lisa catches them as they are pulling the trash cans over to climb on the roof of the shed. She yells at Karen, who is pissed that Natalie doesn't speak up to say it was her idea.
At school, Karen is pissed that the other kids have the nerve to be nice to Natalie, who is down one grandfather and has to stay with Karen, instead of complimenting Karen's obviously superior kite. Jerks.
After school, Natalie wants to put on swimming suits, fill up the bathtub, and play in it. My friend Jennifer and my sister and I used to do that. But we were apparently smarter than Natalie, because while Karen is digging out bathing suits for the two of them, Natalie is getting into Lisa's “special face cream” and I don't know about you but I wouldn't touch any jar of any cream in Lisa and Seth's house. Anyway by the time Karen gets in there Natalie has let the bathtub overflow and Lisa and Seth have to help them mop up the mess with towels and then Karen gets in trouble for making a mess. Natalie again doesn't mention that it was her fault. What a surprise, stuck in this house for an indeterminate period of time, she doesn't want to piss off the resident adults who she barely knows. Karen bitches at Natalie who informs Karen that it was Karen's fault because she shouldn't have left Natalie alone so long.
The next day Karen is not speaking to Natalie, and she tells the story to all their classmates, then is shocked when they think she should be nice to Natalie and let this one go. I don't know why she's surprised, since “everyone in Karen's class is mad at her” is a pretty common theme in these books, but she is. But the day after THAT is the sleepover at the school, so Karen is too excited to care that everyone hates her.
All the kids get their kites in the air, although Natalie's has to be helped by all the adults. Then they tie the kites to hooks in the ground and whatever kite stays up longest will be the winner of the $25 gift certificate to the kite store! After fifteen minutes, a gust of wind knocks Karen's kite into Natalie's kite, and Natalie's kite falls down. Karen's kite of course regains its footing. Her classmates are all pissed off at her for making Natalie lose. Karen tries to explain that she wasn't even touching the kite because it was anchored to the hook in the ground but nobody cares because Natalie is so upset. The kids watch the kites for a while then have a sleepover at the school. Luckily it is not described in much detail.
In the morning, only two kites are still flying, Karen's and Hank's. We are all surprised as can be when Hank's kite drops and Karen wins the gift certificate. She makes a little speech announcing that she has decided to split the prize with Natalie, because if her kite hadn't knocked Natalie's down, Natalie might have won. She does make sure to give us a couple of sentences assuring us that no fucking way was Natalie's kite going to beat hers, in case we were misled by her speech. Her classmates decide to stop being mad at her, at least until the next book.
The end of the book is wrapped up quickly. We get about a sentence each for Natalie and Karen making up, Natalie's parents coming back, Natalie getting a caterpillar kite with her half of the prize, and Karen deciding to spend her prize on a kite for Andrew, since she has her gigundoly beautiful fish kite that she made all by herself.
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