#81, Kristy and Mr. Mom

This book starts out with Kristy at home on a snowy Saturday. I believe this Saturday is probably in early January, but if that's the case the timeline in this book does not exactly work out. It could also be in mid-late December, but Christmas is never mentioned, and the kids are always going to school, so I don't think so. It does have to be in one of those months because Karen and Andrew are with their mother and arrive at the Big House in February. (Karen and Andrew spend alternating months with each parent but the months rotate year to year so they spend December and January with the same parent.)

Kristy's family is busy with wacky shenanigans so that we will all know that Kristy's family is big and difficult to keep track of. Watson and Charlie are trying to get the car unstuck from a patch of ice. Emily is watching TV and eating dry Cocoa Puffs out of a bowl. Nannie is dusting the downstairs and dancing. David Michael is practicing his part in a community theater production. He's into acting in a lot of the Little Sister books but this is one of the few times it's mentioned in the regular series. The book tells us that he got bitten by the acting bug after being a Winkie in his school's production of (what else?) The Wizard of Oz.

At Monday's club meeting, Kristy tells us that Dawn's mother "is pretty casual (some people might even call her a bit of an absent-minded slob). She'll put the wrench in the refrigerator and the milk in the tool box." I don't know how Sharon's family manages to store any food with all the weird stuff she allegedly stuffs into her refrigerator. Kristy also describes Claudia's current style:

This winter Claud's been into hats. She buys old hats in thrift stores and covers them in sequins, buttons, and really outrageous feathers. Usually she wears them with one of her super-trendy outfits, like a red long underwear shirt with tiny black-and-white polka dot suspenders, pinstripe trousers, and ruby sequined slippers.

 That is super-trendy indeed, if you live in Stoneybrook.

When Kristy gets home from the meeting, Watson is shoveling the walk. Kristy offers to finish up if he goes in and tosses a pizza in the oven. Watson agrees to this but then instead of holding up his half of the bargain and putting in a pizza, he has a heart attack on the front porch. Kristy calls 911, and Kristy's mom and Nannie ride to the hospital with Watson, leaving Kristy in charge of the kids. Kristy calls Watson's ex-wife to tell her what happened, and Lisa offers that she and Seth could come over and sit with her, but Kristy declines, which is probably a relief to Lisa because it would have to be kind of awkward to sit in her ex's house with his new wife's things in it. Kristy instead invites Shannon, Mary Anne, and Dawn over. This is the BSC, so instead of doing actual teenage things like sitting around worrying and getting more worked up, they get the kids ready for bed and pack school lunches for the next day. Dawn puts herself in charge of making the lunches and she makes a big plate of three different kinds of sandwiches so everyone will have a choice. This seems inefficient to me. It's not even like she just used different kinds of lunch meat. The choices are tuna, ham and cheese, or peanut butter and jelly. She also packs baggies of chips and an apple for each person and manages not to be judgmental about the relative healthfulness of potato chips. Nannie arrives home and says that Watson's heart attack was mild and he is expected to recover fully.

Kristy visits Watson in the hospital and is a little scared by all the machines he is hooked up to. Watson is in the hospital for about a week and is released that Sunday. The family has a welcome home party for him. That Tuesday, Kristy babysits for Karen and Andrew. The following weekend, they have a special family dinner and all the kids wear their nicest clothes. Watson announces that he is going to quit his job and stay home full time. This announcement takes everyone by surprise.

The next morning Watson is up early and makes breakfast for everyone while wearing a red striped apron and a white chef's hat. This is the scene pictured on the cover, except that David Michael is not wearing his full rooster costume in the text. Watson makes dinner every night that week except for Thursday. Nannie seems to be spending more time in her room. The next week, Watson takes Kristy to a BSC meeting and while she is at the meeting, he goes and buys a single pizza to feed 8 people, including two teenage boys, for dinner. When they get home Nannie has cooked pasta and is pissy about the pizza. Kristy suggests they can freeze the pizza and eat it the next night, but Emily and David Michael have their hearts set on pizza. If they're going to eat it the next night, why do they need to freeze it? Couldn't it just be refrigerated? Nannie snaps that they can freeze the pasta instead but you can't really freeze pasta so she'll just throw it away. They decide that the kids will eat pizza and the adults can eat pasta, but, again, how was Watson planning to feed eight people with a single pizza anyway?

After that evening, Nannie and Watson check with each other before planning meals, and they settle into a routine. Then on a Thursday night, Nannie blindsides everyone by announcing that she is going to move into her own apartment in two days' time because she feels unneeded now that Watson is making some meals. As she is moving she mentions not to forget that Karen and Andrew will be arriving the next day.

Okay, if the first day of this book was the 3rd of January, then this timeline works out, but just barely, and it means that Nannie decides to move out, finds a place, and signs a lease all within 11 days of Watson's announcement. Which makes Nannie seem frankly rather impulsive and odd.

After a week, everything falls apart, and there is a terrible day where Emily is sick and Karen is annoying and Kristy's mom wants to hire a housekeeper. Karen begs Kristy to play Let's All Come In with her, but Kristy doesn't have time. Kristy visits Nannie and tells her that things have all gone to hell in a handbasket, and Nannie moves back in three days later. Which, really? All of this could have been avoided if Nannie and Watson had talked at all, and he had said they still wanted Nannie to stay and she had not stomped off to her own house like an angry child. She probably had to pay a significant amount of money for breaking her lease after a week and a half.

The subplot in this book is that Mrs. Marshall keeps dumping extra kids on her sitter when they come over, and only paying them for her two children. This is clearly unsafe for the children and unfair to the sitter, and is against the club rules, which state that two sitters must be sent for more than four children. This rule is pretty ridiculous and is also often ignored for plot purposes if the sitters want to gather a huge group of children for whatever reason. In the end, Kristy calls Mrs. Marshall who apologizes for springing the extra children on them, and then Kristy babysits Nina and Elanor and feeds them grilled cheese sandwiches. They cut them into circles (which is the wrong way to eat them but whatever) and Kristy says they can make faces on them by attaching raisins with small glops of peanut butter. This sounds revolting to me and also to Nina Marshall. Then Kristy and the kids spend the rest of the meal trying to come up with the grossest food combinations. This is something that pops up from time to time in the books and I don't understand why it is allegedly so much fun and always leaves the participants giggling like loons. Then again, I'm given to understand that not everyone can make themselves throw up just by thinking about foods that might be gross or weird feeling, so perhaps I am not the most qualified person to judge.

Overall, I would say that this is one of the more solid books in the later series, even if the timeline is a little off. My rating: 7/10.

LS #88, Karen's Puppet Show

Karen is going to art camp! The Baby-Sitters club is running an art camp during the month of August. I don't think this showed up in any of the regular series books, although they did enough camps that I may have just forgotten. Claudia is the art camp director, and Kristy, Mary Anne, Stacey, Jessi, and Mallory are the counselors. Then Karen lists off everyone who is attending Art Camp, which including Karen is ten kids, and does not include Andrew or David Michael. Nor is Jessi's sister Becca attending the camp. So, one counselor for every two kids. Also, the club has made T-shirts for all the campers, and Karen says that each camper got five shirts, plus, the club probably had to pay for all the art supplies and probably snacks too. This camp may not have made much profit, is what I'm getting at.

Karen is pissed because Hannie and Nancy don't want to come to Art Camp even though they'd signed up. Hannie's family is going out of state, which is a reasonable excuse, but Karen is still pissed at her. Nancy just decides that she would rather hang around the house with her parents and baby brother. Karen suggests that maybe this is because Nancy is also a baby. I think Nancy is kind of a baby, but I'm not allegedly her best friend, so it's less hurtful when I say it. And she'd already made the commitment, and then changed her mind. I hope the BSC charged a nonrefundable deposit.

For the first week of camp, the kids do various art projects. One day when it rains, they go in Mary Anne's barn (yes, of course the camp is held at the Spier-Schafer residence) and Karen and Marilyn and Carolyn Arnold make a huge long paper chain. It's not that I dislike paper chains. With Christmas coming up I may teach my little nieces to make them. It's just that if I was paying for my kid to go to Art Camp, I would probably prefer that they did actual art, and not just cut and taped strips of paper.

Claudia announces that the campers will hold an art show on the last day of camp. Each camper will make a special project of their choice to display. They'll sell dollar tickets, and the money raised will be used to purchase supplies for the next year. Now I am really, really thinking that the financial aspects of holding an art camp were not thought through. How much do you suppose each camper paid? It's five days a week, and probably at least 6 hours a day, since they eat lunch there. It appears to be about a four week camp.

Karen wants to put on a puppet show for her final art project. Here's a picture of her starting the writing for it. Clearly the illustrator doesn't read these books very closely or she'd know that Karen does not actually use lower case letter. Karen makes puppets that look like herself and Hannie and Nancy. She names them Sharon, Hannah, and Francy. Her show is going to be about the beautiful and lovely Mary Sue Sharon and her "meanie-mo deserter" friends, Hannah and Francy. This book uses the phrase "meanie-mo" a lot. Is this something actual children somewhere actually say? It always kind of confused me in these books, much like the "word" "gigundoly". Karen decides that her puppet show will be a musical, and she writes little songs about the puppets. I can't tell you what they say, as I skipped over them, like I do every poem in every book, even if it's only two lines long.

Nancy stops by Karen's house and gives her a gift (a mug with her name printed on it). Hannie sends Karen a postcard from wherever she is. But Karen's still pissed at them, so she ignores the gift and postcard, and when it's time to sell tickets to the art show, she does not sell any to Hannie or Nancy. But on the day of the show, Hannie and Nancy are in the audience. Karen's worried, because her show does not paint them in a particularly flattering light. But luckily, Hannie and Nancy just laugh it off and think the show is funny.

Karen, Hannie, and Nancy look at the other kids' art projects and are best friends again. The book says that the cardboard bouquet of flowers (on the left) was Natalie Springer's project. I don't know who made the others.

The subplot in this book is that all the grown-ups go away for a weekend and leave Sam and Charlie and Kristy in charge. Charlie orders pizza with toppings the kids don't like and makes them go to a scary movie at the drive-in. Sam feeds them toasted marshmallows late at night and lets them go to bed with sticky faces and they stick to their pillows. Kristy, Sam, and Charlie ruin the Saturday morning pancakes. I'm a little disappointed at how this plays out, because I would have liked to see Karen enjoying the weekend and having fun with the older kids, instead of reading about Karen, David Michael, and Andrew bitching the whole time about everything fun the bigger kids try to do.

LS #63, Karen's Movie

This book makes me hungry. At the beginning, Karen has breakfast, which includes Krispy Krunchy cereal (this is the made up brand that she always eats), blueberries, milk, juice, and a basket of tiny rolls. I'd eat that (minus the milk). Fresh blueberries are awesome. Then Karen and Andrew go out and play with some neighbor kids. The neighbor kids in Mommy's neighborhood are Nancy Dawes, Bobby and Alicia Gianelli, and Kathryn and Willie Barnes.Kathryn and Willie are in several of the Little Sister books. They have no defining characteristics. They are basically just filler for crowd scenes.

Sorry, where was I? Oh right, food. At dinner that night, they have watermelon, which is the second best summer fruit. (Cherries are the best.) Karen drips juice all over, and then she arranges the seeds on her plate to form a picture, but I like watermelon enough to not be grossed out by that. As they are finishing up dinner the phone rings. It is Seth's mother, calling to tell him that his father has had a heart attack and will need surgery. Seth immediately makes arrangements to fly to Nebraska in two days. Three weeks after that, Mommy, Karen, and Andrew will fly to Nebraska and visit and the whole family will come home together. Karen is very concerned about Grandad's heart attack.

She suggests that they can make get well cards for Grandad. Mommy thinks this is a good idea, and everyone makes a card. Note the bowl of scribbles on the counter behind them. I told you this book makes me hungry. Also, enlarge this picture and look at the scissors. Then imagine how you would have to contort your hand to cut anything at all with the scissors as they are shown. Karen's card with the cut-out heart looks a lot more impressive now, doesn't it?

The next morning, Seth announces that he has decided to buy a TV and VCR for his parents as a get well gift for his father. They do not have TV on their farm. Karen's a little worried because Granny had told her that television sets are a waste of money, but Seth thinks Grandad will like having the TV when he is in bed after the surgery. They still won't have cable or get any broadcast channels though, hence the VCR.

Kristy babysits Karen and Andrew while Mommy takes Seth to the airport. She helps them make a big pitcher of fresh lemonade. I hate lemonade, but I like the idea of making it fresh. I just never do it because I wouldn't want to drink it. Then Karen says she wants to give Grandad a present. Kristy helps her brainstorm, and Karen decides to ask to use Daddy's video camera. She will make Grandad a movie to watch on his shiny new VCR. Hannie and Nancy come over and help Karen write the script. Daddy says she can use the video camera and Sam promises to help with the editing. Because that is something Sam has ever shown an interest in before or since.

The next day, Karen gathers the neighbor kids plus Hannie and assigns them all parts in her movie. Then on another day she makes them all make their own costumes. I am sure that all of the costumes looked just as good as Nancy's on the cover, considering that they were made out of paper bags and old pillowcases. Karen has acquired a clapboard from somewhere. Maybe Sam had it, because he's into video editing.

Karen manages to force all the kids to rehearse for two days and shoot on another two. I don't know how she manages this. Again, this is the sort of thing I always tried to get the neighborhood kids to do when I was a kid, and nobody would show up for the second rehearsal, except my sister and brother and only because I made them.

Karen is really bossy (surprised face) and all the other kids quit, but she thinks there's enough film to make the movie. She and Sam watch it together and she tells him which takes to use and in which order. He is going to use the video editing equipment at the high school, but they are having a summer workshop so he will have to wait his turn. Also Sam asks her if he should leave in all the bits with Karen yelling at people. Karen doesn't think this is very funny, but she doesn't know how to edit movies so she can't fire Sam over it.

Soon, it's time for Karen, Andrew, and Mommy to travel to Nebraska. Andrew's never been to Granny and Grandad's farm before, so Karen tells him all about it. Somewhere in between making the get well cards for Grandad and getting on the plane, Mommy got way prettier. It's like magic. Seth meets them at the airport and they ride back to the farm in Granny and Grandad's rusty green and white pickup truck. Karen shows Andrew around but it's not as fun for her as it was the last time she was there, because Grandad isn't there to do things like give them rides on the tractor. They go visit Karen's friend Tia (defining characteristics: has short hair, wears overalls) and feed the chickens.

Finally Grandad is allowed to come home from the hospital. They have a small welcoming party for him and Seth presents him with the TV and VCR. The book makes me totally hungry again:

All the food was spread out in the kitchen. There was roast chicken, corn on the cob, cooked zucchini with onions and snow peas, and a gigundoly beautiful salad. (Guess who made it.) We could put anything we wanted on our plates.

They also have blueberry pie which Tia's mother has made for the family. Then Karen and Andrew watch the movie with Grandad. He says the movie must have taken a lot of cooperation, which is the sort of thing you say when you hated the movie and want to say something kind to a small child. Karen starts to feel guilty because she was so bossy, and the movie was not a cooperative work at all.

I love the framed artwork on the wall, particularly the duck. I also like Karen's sailor dress.

When they get back to Stoneybrook, Karen gets permission from Mommy to have a viewing party of the movie at her house. Seth makes brownies for the party, and there is punch to drink and popcorn to eat during the movie. Karen gives a little speech about how she is grateful for all of her friends' help, and gives everyone a souvenir movie poster (hand drawn by herself.) All of her friends decide not to be mad at her anymore. (All of Karen's friends are mad at her but she has a party to make it up to them is kind of a running joke between me and my sister in regards to the Little Sister series. I added a tag for it.)

#91, Claudia and the First Thanksgiving

This book starts out right. We get a description of Claudia's outfit on page four.

Now where was I? Oh. Right. My autumn fashion colors. I'd put on a pair of baggy pants, not blue, not black, but yellow. With these I was wearing my red Doc Martens, laced with orange and yellow laces, and this great, funky, enormous shirt that I found in a vintage clothes shop. It has a leaf pattern on it. The leaves are in a Hawaiian print design, and the colors are fabulous. Underneath I was wearing my red and yellow tie-dyed long underwear shirt. To complete the ensemble, I had on earrings that I'd made myself, shaped like pumpkins, and a fringed yellow-and-white scarf tied around my hair.

Claudia goes to school and finds out that her next Short Takes class is going to be a drama class. If you stopped reading before this point in the series, Short Takes classes were these special classes the middle school kids would take for six weeks at a time. I guess it was a way to work in more school related plots without having to worry about any previously established continuity with what the girls were studying. Because continuity was a huge concern in the series, right. Anyway, Claudia's class is assigned to write a play for the third graders at the elementary school to perform. The class decides to do a play about the first Thanksgiving.

All seven of Mallory's brothers and sisters decide to dress as Groucho Marx for Halloween. This seems like a very Stoneybrook thing to dress as. Mallory, naturally, is a giant party pooper who does not dress up while she and her father take the others trick-or-treating. Because Mallory is eleven, so she is far too mature to dress in a costume and get candy like her ten-year old brothers.

Claudia and her classmates decide they will make a Thanksgiving play that will highlight the differences between modern times and the Pilgrim era. The play sounds, honestly, pretty terrible, because in order to highlight the differences, the dialogue has to be really heavy-handed. But the third graders are excited about the play, because, well, they're in third grade. Don't worry, though. All of the speaking roles in the play go to kids the club sits for. Betsy Sobak gets the lead, and Jake Kuhn is Squanto, and Carolyn Arnold is Miles Standish.

In lieu of boring babysitting chapters, we get sitting jobs that just happen to take place at rehearsals. First, Mary Anne babysits for Laurel and Patsy Kuhn and decides to walk them over to watch the rehearsal. I always wonder how some of the names in this series were chosen. Because a five-year old named Patsy just seems anachronistic. Mary Anne watches as the kids rehearse the lines, which, again, are pretty terrible.

Here's the cover. Claudia is wearing one of the outfits she describes later on, well, almost. The skirt isn't rainbow colored but it's fairly close. The Pilgrim cooking the turkey looks about ten years older than the little kid pointing at her while she does it.

At the next rehearsal, Claudia and some kids are painting scenery, and she notices some parents watching the rehearsal. She mentions that a little girl named Susie is part of the scenery crew, which, again, how many 8-year olds were named Susie in 1995? Susie's mother is watching and making a bitchface while the kids rehearse. There are some other unhappy looking parents there too.

Jessi has a babysitting job which brings her to the next rehearsal, where there are a bunch of angry parents milling about. They are upset at the content of the play, because they don't want their kids talking about historical differences in women's rights and race relations. Some parents start to shout. Abby yells right back, because she is Passionate, but Claudia stays away from the main conflict.

The class is told that either they can put on the traditional Thanksgiving story with the kids, or the play will be canceled. They decide to go ahead and do the play because the little kids are excited about it, but the night of the play, they go around writing the word "CENSORED" in red on the posters and things.

I want to point out, though, that I was a very well dressed graffiti artist/protestor. [sic] Just for the occasion, I was wearing my rainbow colored crinkle gauze skirt, my crocheted vest with the matching hat, and my silver earrings (designed by me, of course). I felt that I looked artistic, yet responsible. And of course my button, with the bright red writing on it, added the finishing touch.

The next night, the original version of the play is performed at the middle school by a different Short Takes class. There are lines of protesters outside the school, some pro-play, some anti-. Some of the people in Stoneybrook really have too much free time on their hands. Don't worry, every single person the club sits for supports the 8th graders. It's only the non-recurring characters who feel that it is un-American to spit out lines of overwritten dialogue about women's rights as related to Thanksgiving. As Claudia watches the play, she realizes it  really isn't very good, but she is glad that the play went on anyway.

The subplot in this book is that everyone's plans for Thanksgiving fall through. Mallory's family was supposed to stay at a cousin's apartment in New York and watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade from the windows but the apartment flooded and they will be unable to do so. Sound familiar? Jessi was supposed to visit relatives, but the relatives were wait listed for spots on a church retreat and spots open up so they can go. That's noteworthy because it's one of the few overt mentions of religion in the series.

The girls talk Kristy's parents into inviting everyone's families over and hosting Thanksgiving for 36 people (then Dawn shows up as a surprise so 37.). It sounds like fun but also like a lot of work. The adults all cook at Kristy's house the day before while the club sits for all the younger kids at the Pike house. Most of the kids get to help make cookies and decorations but the triplets have to clean their room before they can do any of that. Except don't the triplets share a room with Nicky? Nicky is baking cookies with the others, apparently he is immune to cleaning. Then after the triplets clean their room they play pin the feathers on the turkey and Claudia says that one wall of the Pike family room is covered in cork so it doesn't matter where the pushpins go in. Is that weird? I think it's weird. I can't imagine it looks very good.

The next day they all eat Thanksgiving together and I should probably say something snarky about it, but it's actually one of my favorite subplots. I like it when the girls' families spend time together.

LS #89, Karen's Unicorn

At the beginning of this book, Karen is reading a book about unicorns. She's recently become interested in them and has found out that unicorns are special, magical creatures. According to Karen, you have to be very, very good for a unicorn to befriend you. Also, if you get close to a unicorn, you can make a wish, and the unicorn will grant it. And unicorns are always pure white, and they can detoxify drinking water with their horns. Karen's been trying to tell her friends and family about unicorns, but nobody else believes in them.

Karen's unicorn daydreams are interrupted by Andrew, who is trying to learn to ride a two-wheeler and wants Karen to help him. Karen tries, but Andrew isn't having much luck. She tries to tell him he's too little to ride a bike but he is having none of it. Tricycles are for babies and he is going to learn to ride a bike, even though it is Karen's old bike that is too big for him. You would think Watson the Real Live Millionaire could buy his son an appropriately sized boy's bike, but I guess he probably wouldn't let him bring it to Mommy's house anyway.

I thought the illustration of it was really cute. Andrew is wearing knee and elbow pads. Apparently he was not scared enough by Karen's roller skating mishap to wear wrist guards as well. Karen is rocking her usual side ponytail. They go inside and eat dinner and find out that Seth is going to have to move his carpentry shop because the building he's in is being renovated and the rent increased.

The next day, on the bus ride to school, Karen and Nancy see a poster. The circus is coming to town. Not only is the circus coming to town, but it is going to feature a Real Live Unicorn. (No other animal acts, just the unicorn.)

All the kids are talking about the circus when they get to school, but Karen is the only one in her class who believes that unicorns are real. They get some more exciting news when they find out that the class will be taking a field trip to the circus and will get to take a special tour. Karen is absolutely positive that the unicorn will grant her wishes. She makes a list of the wishes she wants the unicorn to grant.

The thing I like about her unicorn wish list is that she adds the parenthetical aside about who Maxie is. Even though it's just her own list that she's writing for herself. You know, in case later on, she's reading the wishes and is like "Who the hell is Maxie? Why do I want a letter from her?"

On unicorn circus day, Karen gets up and dresses in her unicorn sweatshirt and thinks that she hopes the unicorn will like her shirt. My niece went through a phase where she would always tell us that the cat liked her shirt. She was four, though. It's not that the cat actively disliked the shirts or anything, but I secretly suspect she didn't care, much like I secretly suspect the unicorn won't care.

Here is the cover. I used to have three copies of this book for unknown reasons, so I'm not sure why the one I kept has a giant crease on the cover, but that's OK. You can see Nancy, Karen, and Hannie watching the circus together. Karen is enchanted by the unicorn. After the show, the class gets their special tour. Bobby makes some comments about how the unicorn's horn is probably glued on, but Karen is even more positive that it is a real unicorn. She thinks her wishes at him as hard as she can.

When Karen gets home, she thinks that maybe the unicorn is busy, and five wishes is a lot, so she'll help him out a little. She writes a postcard to Maxie, and studies for her math test. When the tests come back, she missed 3 answers and is quite pleased with herself. I would have been crushed to miss three answers on a test in elementary school, but Karen seems happy. I guess 50 books ago, she was copying answers off Ricky, so it's an improvement. She also gets a response from Maxie.

Watson has gotten tickets to the circus that he can't use, and he offers them to Lisa, so Karen gets to see the circus again, which is the third of her wishes.

Here is Karen and her family watching a scary clown. After the show, Karen sneaks underneath the tent where the unicorn is kept while Mommy is using the port-a-potty. She thinks she sees his horn wiggle, but then it seems steady, so she just isn't sure. She thinks her two remaining wishes at the unicorn as hard as she can.

The next day, Andrew finally gets the hang of riding his bike, but he doesn't know how to stop. Karen runs along with him and they cross one street and turn one corner and see a brand new mini-mall which Karen decides will be perfect for Seth's workshop. They go home and tell Seth about it. He calls, and it turns out the place is perfect. Either Seth or his realtor must be kind of slacking, to not know about a property three blocks from their house, but everything ends up happy.

Karen's friends still don't believe in unicorns. Nancy says she's happy that Karen's wishes came true, but she did a lot of work for them, like studying and helping Andrew. Karen is still convinced the unicorn granted the wishes.

They go over to look at the building where Seth's carpentry workshop will be, and Karen sees circus trucks pulling out of town. The last thing she sees is a horse trailer, and she is just sure the unicorn winks at her as he drives away.

LS # 102, Karen's Black Cat

This book opens up with Karen sitting in the waiting room at the vet's while Elizabeth is in the exam room with the vet and Boo-Boo, Watson's 17 pound tomcat. Throughout the books, Boo-Boo has always been described as cranky. He doesn't like kids and he destroys the neighbors' gardens and he left a dead mouse on Morbidda Destiny's porch and she brought its remains over in a paper bag while Kristy was babysitting and scared her half to death. For all of these reasons and more, Boo-Boo is my favorite pet in the series. He's far, far superior to Mary Anne's stupid kitten. Anyway, as it turns out, there's nothing specific wrong with Boo-Boo, he's just getting older.

The family decides that they will get a new kitten. Elizabeth says it might cheer Boo-Boo up, but I sort of think her real reasoning is that Boo-Boo is going to die soon and it's easier to get a new kitten now then after. At least, that is the reasoning I had for getting a kitten when my old cat was old. Here is a picture of my Simon being cheered up by the new kitten:

Karen doesn't understand why everyone is so sad about Boo-Boo getting older. He's been old as long as she's known him. But she is told sharply that she can't hog the new kitten, and that she should try to think about Boo-Boo. She takes this to mean that she shouldn't love or play with the new kitten when they get it, because it might hurt Boo-Boo's feelings or make him feel resentful. Daddy tells Karen the story of how he got Boo-Boo from the shelter when he was single. He named the cat Boo-Boo because he nearly picked a different cat, and he wanted to remember that he almost made a boo-boo. I don't even know. That's the stupidest cat name logic I ever heard. I will confess that the orange kitty pictured above is called Boo-Boo, but a) that's not her official name and b) it's not after the books, either! Do you remember the show Animaniacs? They had this segment called Chicken Boo, and there was a little song. "You wear a disguise to look like human guys, but you're not a man, you're a chicken, Boo." We used to sing that to our kitten but with "kitten, Boo" instead of chicken, and it morphed into calling her Boo and Boo-Boo.

Karen's class at school is having a Halloween party wherein the children can have a parent bring in a pet during the party. This sounds like the stupidest idea in the world. A bunch of overexcited kids in Halloween costumes and a bunch of animals running around, really? Karen rejects all of the other pets at her house for various reasons and decides that she will honor Boo-Boo by inviting him to her party. Watson says that she may not bring Boo-Boo, because he is getting old, hates children, and needs peace and quiet. Karen ignores this and tells the teacher she will be bringing Boo-Boo, but then Daddy overhears her talking to Hannie and Nancy about it and she is told again that she cannot bring Boo-Boo to the Halloween pet party.

The cover shows Karen, wearing glasses that look more red than pink, holding a kitten while dressed as a witch. She is not wearing a side ponytail, probably because witch hats make side ponytails difficult.

When the family goes to pick out a new kitten, Karen really wants to get an orange tiger striped one and name it Pumpkin because it is so close to Halloween, but the rest of the family votes to get a black kitten. Karen is bitterly disappointed by this. She hopes the black kitten will turn out to have feline leukemia or something so they'll have to change their minds, but no, the black kitten is perfectly healthy and comes to live with them. Boo-Boo loathes the new kitten and hisses and growls at her.

My cat Gideon is 14.4 pounds, and Simon was even bigger, and I have to tell you, the cat in this illustration is no 17-pounder. Look at those tiny legs, and he barely comes up to mid-calf on a seven-year old. Also, he is pissed. You can see him thinking "Fuck this shit. I'm going to die in the next book."

Karen ignores the kitten while the rest of the family plays with her. Then they all sit down to suggest names for the kitten. David Michael suggests Midnight. This amuses me because Morbidda Destiny next door also has a black cat named Midnight. That wouldn't get confusing at all. Of course David Michael is the one who named their dog after a neighbor, so maybe he's just not great at thinking up names on his own. Karen suggests they let Watson choose the name and everyone else agrees. Watson decides that the cat will be named Pumpkin.

Karen tries to be nice to Boo-Boo but he spends a lot of time hiding under Watson's bed and running away from her. Then when she is in her room, Pumpkin comes in and plays with a piece of paper and Karen's determination to resist Pumpkin's charms melts away. She asks the family if she can take the new kitten to her pet party at school. They all agree. At the party, Karen dresses as a witch and shares her pet with Natalie Springer, who is dressed as, I don't know, a storybook character of some sort? Probably one with droopy socks.

#17, Mary Anne's Bad Luck Mystery

This book opens with Mary Anne eating lunch with her friends. Here is what Claudia was wearing.

The best way to get this point across is to describe to you what Claudia was wearing at lunch that day. It was her vegetable blouse: an oversized white shirt with a green vegetable print all over it -- cabbages and squashes and turnips and stuff. Under the blouse was a very short jean skirt, white stockings, green anklets over the stockings, and lavender sneakers, the kind boys usually wear, with a lot of rubber and big laces and the name of the manufacturer in huge letters on the sides. Wait, I'm not done. Claudia had pulled the hair on one side of her head back with a yellow clip that looked like a poodle. The hair on the other side of her head was hanging in her face. Attached to the one ear you could see was a plastic earring about the size of a jar lid.

 That is an epic outfit description. It really sets the tone for this book.

Mary Anne gets a chain letter in the mail. It claims that if she breaks the chain, she and her friends and loved ones will have bad luck. Mallory and Jessi think she shouldn't break the chain, but none of her other friends want to get chain letters, and Mary Anne doesn't want to spend $3 on photocopies and a few bucks more on postage, so she throws the letter away. After throwing away the letter, she has a terrible day, including such things as falling out of bed in the morning, spilling orange juice on a white dress, forgetting a babysitting job, and dropping some food on the floor in the cafeteria.

The next chapter has Dawn babysitting for Jackie Rodowsky, who is crafting a robot costume for Halloween and wants Dawn to help him. There are a lot of spills and messes, and the costume falls apart when he tries it on, but still, I've always thought making a robot costume out of cardboard boxes and jar lids and an old Slinky and things sounds like fun.

Mary Anne gets a package in her mailbox addressed to her and the rest of the club. It contains a jewelry box with a necklace in it, and a note saying that it is a bad luck charm and she has to wear it or else. Mallory and Jessi are all, "This is why you don't break chains." Mary Anne has some more bad luck, as do the other club members and some kids at school. One of the things that happens is that Jamie Newton falls down some stairs while Mary Anne is babysitting him and skins his knee. This is the scene depicted on the cover. Mary Anne is wearing what looks like sweats, and of course the bad luck charm, but Jamie is in shorts.

The club goes to the library to check out books about magic, because they are just sure they need a spell of some sort to counteract Mary Anne's bad luck. Once again they look things up in the card catalog and I feel a wave of nostalgia.

Jessi babysits Jamie Newton. It's not a bad chapter, as far as babysitting chapters go, but it's not all that interesting either. Then Claudia and Mallory sit for the Pike kids in one of the more memorable jobs in the series. First of all, Mr. Pike has left a stew with cut up hot dog pieces on the stove. Claudia thought it looked revolting, but the gross Pike kids were all really excited about it. They call it Daddy Stew and it is a special treat.

Mmm, that shit looks tasty as hell. The stew is supposed to cook until 6:30, but Byron the fatty triplet can't wait, and turns up the burner under it, burning and ruining the dish. Claudia tells Byron he is in charge of cleaning up the mess. Cleaning burned on stew from a big pot sounds like a pain in the ass, not to mention that thirty books from now, he won't even be able to clean up his own spilled milk, and Mallory will have to do it for him. Then a sparrow flies into the house through the chimney, and they have to open doors and windows and shoo it out. Then Vanessa knocks out a loose tooth and has blood pouring from her mouth. Claudia and Mallory make 18 tuna fish sandwiches (2 apiece) which is the only thing everyone will agree to eat what with the disappointment over the Daddy stew. Then the Pikes are late getting home and they don't even call, because they were stuck in traffic and couldn't call.

The girls get together to go through the books, but they don't really find anything useful. The spells all call for things like scrapings from the underside of a sea snake. I don't really know what they were expecting, but they set the books aside and prepare to go to the school dance. Well, Mallory and Jessi's parents won't allow them to go, but the eighth graders go. Mary Anne and Logan go in costume as cats. Mary Anne's costume has a leotard and tights, and Logan had purchased fabric and his mother sewed him a "fur suit." I snickered. Nobody in 1988 could have guessed what would pop into my head seeing "fursuit" in 2012. Claudia didn't wear a costume

unless you'd consider Claudia's wild floral outfit, gigantic hair clip, and armload of silver bangle bracelets a costume. Most people would. Claudia didn't.

and Dawn dressed in regular clothes but smeared green makeup on her face and stuck a plastic wart on it. For some reason I'd never really paid attention to that detail before, and I find it intriguing. I have recreated Dawn's outfit for you in Neopets form:

At the dance, Cokie Mason tells Mary Anne "Nice bad luck charm." Mary Anne is upset by this and more upset when she gets home and there is a note telling her that the whole club needs to go to Old Hickory's grave at midnight the next night, which is Halloween. The girls decide to have a sleepover at Kristy's, and tell their parents that Charlie will be picking them up at 10:30. For some reason all of the parents, even the ones who won't let their kids go to a school dance with chaperons (which was over well before 10:30 because Mary Anne had to be home by 10) are totally cool with this. Mary Anne realizes that the only people she's told about the bad luck charm are her friends, so if Cokie called it a bad luck charm, she must be the one who sent it. The girls get Charlie to drive them to the graveyard early, where they rig up some traps and scare the pants off of Cokie and her group of friends, who had indeed been planning to try to scare the club. Then they really do have a sleepover at Kristy's house, and Mary Anne decides to keep the necklace, which her father had told her was a mustard seed, a symbol of faith.

LS #66, Karen's Monsters

This book basically has three plots and I can't figure out which one is supposed to be the main plot. I guess it's the bit about the monster, because that's what the book is titled, so I'll start there.

Here is the cover. Karen has a really curly ponytail on this one, and I love her outfit. I would seriously buy it for my niece if I found it in a store, although maybe not with the boots. Karen is reacting in horror to a monster that is sitting in her garage. Charlie is building the monster (who he names Frankenstone) for the football team's homecoming float. (Sam, by the way, is riding on the Math Club float. Dressed as a giant number 5.) The parade is Halloween themed because the homecoming game is right around Halloween. Anyway, Charlie is apparently quite talented in the monster building department, because he is able to make a realistic looking monster, add LED lights to its eyes, and make it moan. Karen is a little scared of the monster, especially after a chapter where Sam and Charlie are babysitting and they turn the lights off and scare Karen, Hannie, and Nancy with the monster.

A day after the scare, Karen notices that Frank is missing from the garage. She naturally assumes he's come to life and is out menacing the neighbors, but Charlie correctly realizes that Frank has, in fact, been stolen. He thinks it might be someone from one of the other clubs who want to use Frank on their own float. He lets Karen help him look for clues. They find a tire track and some cleat marks.

Charlie's outfit did not stand the test of time nearly as well as Karen's, sorry Charlie. Karen remembers that one time, Charlie stole a rival school's mascot and hid it in their toolshed, so she suggests that they look in toolsheds. Instead, Charlie realizes that the captain of the Bricktown Bulldogs football team stole his monster. He and Karen drive to Bricktown and steal Frank back from Ellis Wood. It is a very exciting moment for Karen. Charlie is so glad to have his monster back that he arranges for Karen, David Michael, Andrew, and Emily to ride on the float in the parade. He gets monster costumes for them to wear.

As you can see, the float is a box floating in space, with the word "Halloween" printed on one end and "SCHOOL" on the long side. Karen is wrapped in bubble wrap and has cat whiskers. Andrew appears to be a Ninja Turtle, and Emily looks like a lion. David Michael is wearing rubber hands and Groucho glasses. They are the scariest monsters I ever did see.

Meanwhile, Karen's class in school is going to put on a program for their families. It is an autumn themed program. Each of the kids has to write a story and read it aloud during the program. It's a good thing there are only 18 kids in their class, because that sounds really boring for the attendees. The class makes decorations and refreshments. Nancy, despite wanting to be an actress when she grows up, is a total whiny baby about having to read her story aloud. She's scared. Karen and Hannie try to help her, by letting her practice with them as the audience, but Nancy is still terrible at it. She tries writing a story that she knows Ms. Colman won't allow her to read, titled "Fall is Stinky", but Ms. Colman just makes her write a new story. Finally on the day of the program, Karen orders everyone in the audience to turn their backs to Nancy, and she is able to overcome her stage fright and read her story aloud.

Also, Emily has been throwing tantrums in the morning through the whole book. When Nannie and Watson bring her to the program at Karen's school, Emily disappears and they find her in the kindergarten classroom. They realize that Emily has been throwing fits in the morning because she wants to go to school like the big kids. They can't find a preschool program for her, but Kristy (naturally) suggests they start a playgroup for her with Sari Papadakis and two other nearby toddlers who were made up for this book and will never be mentioned again. (Petey and Nelson are their names.)

Here is Karen, wearing a bitchin' jean jacket, stepping over a tantrum throwing Emily. But don't worry, because after Kristy comes up with the idea and Nannie is able to take Emily to her playgroup, she stops throwing tantrums in the morning, and all is (relatively) peaceful once again.

#125, Mary Anne in the Middle

I know, you're all thinking, great, a later series book. Nobody remembers the high numbered books because the people who'd been reading since the beginning were too old for them and the people who started reading later were still starting at the beginning of the series. Plus they tend to be terrible somewhat different in style than the early books. This book in particular is just awful. It's allegedly about Mary Anne, but the entire plot is about Mallory and Jessi. I always liked Mary Anne so it bums me out that the whole book is Mallory and Jessi and we don't get any of Mary Anne having dinner with her family or hanging with Kristy or Claudia or something.

The book starts out with Mary Anne babysitting the Pike kids with Mallory. Mrs. Pike has taken a temporary job for plot purposes for a little extra money during the holiday season so they babysit the Pike kids basically constantly. Mallory is anxious to find out whether she has been accepted to Riverbend, a boarding school she has applied to because the kids at school are teasing her and making life miserable. But even if she is accepted, she isn't sure yet whether she should go, so she hasn't discussed it much with the younger kids in her family.

Meeting time, and Mary Anne partially describes Claudia's outfit for us. I mean, I assume Claudia is also wearing pants and it is a partial description. It could just be a really long shirt.

Lately she's been working with colorful polymer clays and incorporating her creations into all her outfits. The shirt she was wearing that day was one she had tie-dyed and then cut into fringe around the bottom. At the end of each fringe was a polymer clay bead she'd made. Her earrings and necklace featured more of the same beads, and so did the barrette holding back her long, silky black hair.

 I have made Claudia's lovely beaded outfit for you in Neopets form. You just kind of have to imagine the beads on the fringe of her lovely tie-dyed outfit. I had a hard time deciding on the shoes, because at this point in the books, Claudia wore Doc Martens a lot, but I always kind of picture her in strappy silver sandals that lace around her leg because she wore those in every book for like six years one single eighth grade year and half of seventh grade.

Kristy asks Mallory if she's heard from Riverbend and that she needs to let them know if she decides to go so they can replace her in the club. Really, your friend might move away and you're talking about replacing her right in front of her? I don't know how bursts-into-tears-all-the-time Mary Anne can be such good friends with Kristy without getting her feelings hurt every other page. I don't imagine that Kristy has much patience for trying to coax someone into feeling better. I think Mary Anne's crying would just piss her off.

The next day Mary Anne is meeting Mallory at her locker after school. She sees that someone has written "SPAZ GIRL" on the locker and tries to scrub it off, but is unable to do so before Mallory sees it. As they walk, Mallory tells Mary Anne how unbearable she finds SMS and how much she liked her visit to Riverbend. Mary Anne realizes that Riverbend might be the best choice for Mallory.

They arrive at the elementary school and Mallory's siblings come out. The book tells us that Claire usually goes to morning kindergarten but for the duration of Mrs. Pike's job she goes to the afternoon class as well. This pisses me off so much every time I read it. It makes no sense that the school would just be like "sure, we'll put your child in a second class every day for three weeks or however long this stupid book your job lasts!" Just say it's all day kindergarten and nobody will even think twice about it. By the fall of 1998, which is the year this book was published, over half of all kindergarten students attended full day programs. It makes a lot more sense than utilizing a second half-day kindergarten class for three weeks in lieu of daycare.

They bring the gross Pike kids home and feed them chocolate milk and peanut butter "slathered" on Saltines. Objectively I don't really mind any of those foods but the Pikes still gross me out. The mail comes and Mallory gets an acceptance letter from Riverbend. They are offering her a full scholarship, probably so she can head up their fledgling baby-sitting program for the teachers' kids. Or because she is the best eleven year old writer in the whole world, because you know, the BSC is the best at everything they try. The kids are upset when they realize that if Mallory goes to boarding school, she will board there and no longer live at home. Then Mallory calls Jessi to tell her she got accepted and surprisingly, Mallory's best friend is not super stoked that she might be moving away. You know, because she's eleven. And she's going to miss her best friend. Mallory is like "omg what a bitch" because she's eleven. And she's only thinking about her own excitement.

The next day Mary Anne is babysitting the Pikes but with Jessi instead of Mallory. They go to the Pike house and prepare an unnamed snack that makes Adam say, "Gross!" and get out a package of cookies instead. The mind boggles at the existence of a snack that grosses a Pike child out. Jessi spends the sitting job bitching about how Mallory is just running away from her problems and abandoning her family. Then when Mallory gets home she and Jessi have a brief argument and Jessi storms out.

Here is the cover. I don't know whose house they are meant to be in but I doubt it is the gross Pikes' house. As you can see, Mary Anne is standing between Jessi and Mallory, because fuck this book, it's supposed to be about Mary Anne but none of it is. She has one phone conversation with Dawn and other than that she interacts with no one in her family. She doesn't even call her husband boyfriend Logan and rehash Mallory and Jessi's stupid drama, much less go on a date with him.

The next day Mallory tells Mary Anne that she has officially decided to go to Riverbend. Her siblings are acting cold and ignoring her, because their feelings are hurt. Then they go to a club meeting and Mallory announces her decision. Jessi can tell by Mary Anne's reaction that Mallory told her already and her feelings are very badly hurt, even though she and Mallory weren't exactly getting along. Jessi runs out of the club meeting. Then Mrs. DeWitt calls and needs two sitters so Mary Anne sneakily assigns Jessi and Mallory the job together. Because that's what professional sitters do, is send feuding people to someone's house to fight in front of their children.

Mallory's siblings are still mad at her except for Claire who is hanging all over her. Nicky wonders if their parents will have another kid to replace Mallory, because there are only seven of them now. I know eleven is pretty young for Mallory to be going away, but was Nicky planning to have everyone go to Stoneybrook Community College and then live at home forever?  After the job Mary Anne talks to Jessi who is still upset with Mallory, she feels like Mallory made up her mind the first time she visited the school and has been shutting her out ever since then.

By the time Mallory arrives for the job at the Barret/DeWitt house Jessi has told the kids that Mallory is moving away. Mallory is like wtf, and Jessi has a pretty amusing comeback. "Oh, I forgot, this is top secret," Jessi replied snippily. "Only Mary Anne is supposed to know." The DeWitt adults have scheduled this babysitting session so they can go to Bellair's and look at new furniture. Hey, guys? You have seven children under the age of nine. My suggestion is to not buy brand new furniture. Jessi has brought clay for the children to make Kwanzaa decorations, but when Mallory tells the four-year-old that she can make a snowman if she wants, Jessi freaks out on her and says she has to make Kwanzaa things and says, "I brought the clay. I'll be the one to say how she can use it." This is a very good example to set for a bunch of children. By the end of the sitting job Mallory and Jessi hate each other even more and both call Mary Anne to bitch at her for making them sit together without warning. Which is reasonable.

Jessi is having a sleepover at her house because a couple of her Dance NY friends are visiting. She had invited everyone in the BSC before the whole situation blew up, but for some reason Mary Anne manipulates Mallory into coming anyway, even though Mallory knows she's not wanted and Jessi greets her at the door with, "What are you doing here?" Mary Anne should probably have stayed out of this, because Mallory is chatting to one of Jessi's dance friends and Jessi overhears Maritza say "She'll get over it" and is upset that Mallory is talking about her and trying to turn her friends against her. Mallory leaves the sleepover, which, again, she knew in the first place that she probably shouldn't go.

The subplot in this book is that they are making homemade holiday decorations for Stoneybrook Manor, for the old people to enjoy. Abby babysits the Hobart boys and explains Hanukkah to them and they make a felt banner. Mallory, Mary Anne, and the Pike kids make styrofoam ornament balls, and the Pikes also make construction paper chains. Jessi makes the aforementioned Kwanzaa decorations with the Barrett/DeWitt kids. Then they have a party at the manor for all the residents. They make a group of four-year olds sing the Beatles' "Here Comes The Sun" in honor of the winter solstice. Reading about the party is boring, much like Mallory. Maybe that's why books with a Mallory focus always get the nursing home subplots. Because last time we had a shindig at the manor was when Mallory was laid up with mono, if you recall.

At the next club meeting they are trying to think of someone to replace Mallory, and decide that maybe they won't replace her, and Mallory feels bad because she "means so little" that they don't even need to replace her. Which was not exactly what they meant but come ON, there's not a good reason to directly discuss replacing your friend right in front of her. Then Mallory and Jessi both bitch to Mary Anne about each other and GODDAMMIT WHY DOES THIS BOOK STILL HAVE PAGES? WHY CAN'T IT BE OVER. You know what, that's it. I'm done with this book. I don't care if Mallory and Jessi make up and I don't care if it makes me a bad blogger, I cannot slog through another fucking page. I am going to make up my own ending.

Mary Anne is woken up very early by a phone call from Jessi, who is hysterical. Something has gone wrong at the Pike house. The entire club goes to look, in time to see Mrs. Pike being led away in handcuffs. Apparently she had been stealing like crazy from her seasonal job and has been tied to a rash of break-ins in Kristy's neighborhood. Mr. Pike, distraught, announces that most of the children will be sent to stay with relatives. The triplets will stay with him because nobody wants them, Mallory will go to boarding school, Claire and Margo will live with an aunt, Vanessa is to stay with a grandparent, and Nicky will live with Uncle Joe at Stoneybrook Manor. Jessi realizes that by fighting with Mallory, she will be missing out on her last chance to see her again. She hugs Mallory tightly as the rest of the Pike children huddle around them, sobbing, except for Byron the fatty triplet who is eating fried bologna and dipping it in leftover chocolate pudding.

LS #110, Karen's Swim Meet

I like this book, except for the part with the main plot.

It starts out with Karen, Hannie, and Nancy talking about what they're going to do on summer break. It turns out that Hannie's family is going on vacation and Nancy's family is having guests, so neither one of them will be available to play with Karen. Instead of being a giant brat about this and getting in a fight with her friends, Karen says she will plan something for the Fourth of July when Hannie will be back and Nancy's guests will be gone. Then Karen goes to help with corn for a cookout with her family.

Here is a picture of Karen eating corn with a couple of her stepbrothers. The smaller one is David Michael, who is supposed to have curly hair but rarely does in the illustrations [source: Kristy's Great Idea], and the other one, well, I don't know if that's meant to be Sam or Charlie but it is a very special drawing. As you can see, they are eating corn, hamburgers, possibly chicken, a bowl of scribbles, and a pan of scribbles. This book makes me hungry.

Karen finds out that some swimmer is going to be in Stoneybrook for the summer coaching the swim team for all ages. He got to the Olympic trials as a swimmer and now wants to coach. Watson calls for information and the community center says that the swim team is a fun summer activity open to swimmers of all ability levels, so he agrees to sign Karen up for the swim team for the summer. Karen makes a new friend there, Kristin, who is visiting in her aunt for the summer. Karen's classmate Terri is also on the swim team, even though she's not a very strong swimmer. Terri's twin sister Tammy is taking tennis lessons and not swim lessons. I appreciate that for once, the books actually don't have the twins doing the same activity.

So Karen makes better friends with Kristin and Terri. She invites them over and they make invitations and plans for the Fourth of July party Karen wants to have with Hannie and Nancy, and they also invite Terri's twin sister. The Kormans are out of town and have let Karen's family use the pool while they are gone, and Karen gets permission from her parents and the Kormans to have her party at their house and use their pool in the afternoon. Nannie helps Karen make red, white, and blue taffy. They also have a no-drip Popsicle eating contest. The main menu isn't spelled out, but they do have watermelon. The kids have fun because who doesn't like picnics? Communists that is who. Okay, well, I'll be honest and say that I don't personally really like picnics, but for some reason the one in this book always sounds fun to me. Maybe it's because most of the menu is left to imagination, and the foods they do have are not ones that get gross and dried out and kind of warm when eaten outside. So I can imagine eating watermelon outdoors and spitting the seeds, and I don't object to that the same way I object to taking a perfectly good sandwich and eating it outside so the pleasant breeze can dry it out and blow specks of dirt onto it. Another thing I like about the party is that even though Karen spent the summer playing with kids who were not Hannie and Nancy we do not have to read about anyone getting in a big fight. They just enjoy each other's company and it is a really sweet ending for the book.

Oh wait I left out the entire part with the main plot because the main plot sucked, oops. It turns out that Coach Awesome Swimmer is an asshole to the kids, because he wants them to be super good swimmers and win all the swimmer meets. He only helps the best swimmers during practice and doesn't help the sucky swimmers and then when the kids don't win the swim meets he is a dick. There's a chapter where is mean to Terri for doing the breaststroke poorly and makes her do it while everyone watches and he says hey kids this is how not to do the breaststroke! Look how bad Terri sucks at it! I can barely read this particular chapter because it ramps up my anxiety level so much. In another chapter, he forces Karen to do flip turns over and over until she is dizzy. Karen and the other kids talk to their parents and they say they will watch the coach, but then the coach is a lot nicer to the kids. Karen says she almost wishes he would be mean so the parents can see how he acts, but I don't know why she wants that. Wouldn't it be nicer if he had just randomly stopped being an asshole? But it doesn't last, and eventually he makes the kids do a bunch of dives off blocks in the rain and Watson confronts him and says, "Why are you making the kids practice in the rain?" The coach runs away and quits being the coach instead of saying "Well I'm not the one who drove the kids to practice in the rain so you don't have tons of room to talk asshole" so then the mean bad ogre of a competitive coach is gone and Karen and her friends can enjoy swimming again.

Also maybe i just sucked at swimming (OK, I sucked really bad at swimming) but they have the kids doing all the strokes at this part of the book and it just surprised me that 7-year olds would be doing the breaststroke and shit because I would expect them to know freestyle and maybe the backstroke but idk. Like I said, I sucked at swimming, so maybe it is expected that second graders should ought to know how to do a breaststroke.

Here is a bonus scan of the coach talking to some of the swim team members. He is probably mad at them for sucking at swimming.

#37, Dawn and the Older Boy

This book starts out with a BSC sleepover at Kristy's house. The girls are doing each other's hair and makeup, and Dawn describes a Claudia outfit for us.

Today, for example, she had stuck to two colors: black and white. Black cotton bib overalls over a white turtleneck with a shiny black patent leather belt looped around her waist. Black suede ankle boots and white cotton socks. Long black hair swept off her face with giant white plastic barrettes. Anyone else would look like a penguin in that get-up, but Claudia looked great.

 They get up the next day because it is 11 am and Mary Anne wakes everyone up and says she's sure the Brewers are expecting them for breakfast and they've already wasted half the day. They all look like shit because they all fell asleep without washing their faces, which is really good when you're a young teenager and prone to acne anyway. Dawn is wearing a "tattered old nightgown and three sizes too big terry robe" which is a super classy thing to bring to a sleepover in the first place. They go downstairs to find basically Kristy's entire family eating breakfast. David Michael, Karen, Andrew, and Emily are eating cereal, and Sam and Charlie and one of their friends are also having breakfast. I don't understand why young children are having breakfast at 11 am. Don't kids usually get up before 9? I don't know why Mary Anne was so worried about the Brewers expecting them for breakfast if they normally serve it at midday. Anyway the girls rush back upstairs to shower and brush their hair. Dawn spends an hour getting ready and when she goes back down, Travis the gorgeous guy is still eating breakfast. She is quite taken by the fact that he is eating granola, because nobody else on the entire East Coast eats granola. Except that he's eating at someone else's house, so apparently the Thomas-Brewer family eats granola, unless they buy it only for Dawn to eat when Kristy has slumber parties. Dawn and Travis chat, and she finds out that he is also from California. He tells her she should always wear blue, because it brings out her eyes, just like the ocean. Because that is a thing a straight teenage male would say.

A few days later, Dawn and Mary Anne are raking leaves at their house when Travis shows up driving a blue Chevy. There is some boring conversation about his car and the fact that he can drive, and then he presents Dawn with a pair of blue hair combs and tells her she should get 3-4 inches cut off her hair because it would give it a little more lift. Because that is a thing a straight teenage male would say. Also, if your hair is down to your waist, not that it ever is in the cover illustrations, and you get three inches cut off of it, it is really unlikely that anyone would even notice.

A couple of days later, Dawn is walking home from school with her friends and Travis pulls up and asks her to go shopping with him to pick out a birthday present for his dad. After a quick trip to the sporting goods store, he takes her to a restaurant and orders for her, which she doesn't like. She doesn't mention that she doesn't eat meat but he orders grilled cheese for them both. I guess this is one of the books Dawn is a vegetarian in. I should keep track of that, because in other books she just doesn't eat red meat. Then Travis takes Dawn to the Merry-Go-Round and buys her a pair of silver butterfly earrings. He tries to convince her to have a third hole pierced in her ears to wear them in because he thinks the butterflies would look better higher on her ears. Because that is a thing a straight teenage male would think about.

Here's the cover. Travis looks about thirty-five and is wearing pretty much exactly one of the outfits Dawn described herself as wearing. Dawn, despite being in middle school, apparently has a letter jacket. Maybe she lettered in baby-sitting, or maybe she's wearing Travis's jacket. Dawn's hair is not down to her waist. I don't know who the children are supposed to be.

When Dawn gets home, she gets in trouble for riding in a car with a boy her mom and stepdad hadn't met. This is one of the more logical reactions any of the parents in this series ever has, but Sharon ruins it two pages later by saying that she'll probably allow Dawn to continue to see Travis after he meets them. Richard and Sharon argue about this, because Richard thinks that a middle-school girl shouldn't be dating a high-school boy with a driver's license. I can't really disagree with him here.

At a BSC meeting a couple of days later, Kristy casually mentions that Travis is dating a really hot chick. Kristy says that she is fantastic looking. Yes, it is in italics in the book. Dawn decides she needs to see what is going on. She waits outside SHS and follows Travis and the girl. This is not the only book in which Dawn sneaks around and spies on people. Apparently it's one of her hobbies. Dawn sees Travis take the girl to the same restaurant he took her to, and to the Merry-Go-Round, and then they kiss. Dawn is pretty devastated. When she explains the situation to her friends, Kristy points out that Travis never actually asked her on a date or tried to kiss her (thank goodness), but Claudia says that a boy coming to your house and bringing you presents is a pretty strong indication that he likes you romantically. Dawn is just sad because her dreams of becoming Mrs. Travis...well, I don't know if she even knows his last name, but her dreams have been crushed like a bug.

Dawn follows Travis and the hot chick again and talks to them in the Merry-Go-Round, where Sara refers to Dawn as the little girl Travis was telling her about. Dawn is very upset. When she gets home, she talks to Mary Anne, who says that Travis spent all of their time together trying to change Dawn, instead of appreciating her for who she is. Dawn realizes that this is so, and she calls Travis to yell at him and tell him goodbye. She says she hopes he finds the perfect girl for him, but it's not her. The perfect person for Travis is maybe actually a dude, but as the book was published in 1990, Dawn does not expand her statement in that direction.

The subplot in this book is that James Hobart has written a play that he is putting on with some neighbor kids, and his friend Zach keeps making fun of him for playing with girls. They have several rehearsals for the play spanning the course of the book. I used to try and get neighbor kids to act in plays and none of them ever showed up for more than one rehearsal. James wants Zach to like him so he goes and plays with Zach and hurts the little kids' feelings. It actually feels developmentally appropriate to me but of course the club is concerned that James is changing himself so Zach will like him. At the end they put on the play for an audience, and although the audience loves it, James goes off to play with Zach after it is over instead of hanging around so people can give him accolades.

LS #74, Karen's Softball Mystery

So, the regular series BSC books have a couple where the club solves mysteries, and then there was a whole spinoff series of mysteries, and it was frankly kind of ridiculous that 13-year old girls would be solving mysteries, but what's even worse are the Little Sister books where Karen and her stupid friends solve mysteries. This one isn't as unbelievable as the one where she catches the art thief (I swear I am not making this plot up) but it makes up for it by being way more boring, probably because it is also a Krushers book.

Here's the cover. Nancy, Karen, and Hannie are looking oddly sinister, which is impressive for Karen particularly, because it's hard to look sinister when you have rolled up the cuffs of your jean shorts.

It's spring, and practices for Kristy's Krushers are getting started. Apparently a lot of new players want to join the team this year. Because that's what you do when you want your kid to play ball, is you go search out a team run by a 13-year old. You don't look into Little League or anything. So practices are pretty overwhelming and also boring, because there is one 13-year old coach for all these players, and not everyone gets a turn to bat, and Kristy announces that for the first time, the Krushers may have to make some cuts.

This is one of the new players, Julian, and his older sister, Barbie. Karen describes Barbie as wearing "cool clothes" and Julian as "not as cool." They both look to be wearing about the same thing to me, but I guess shirts with scribbles on them are way more cool than shirts with no scribbles. Barbie tells Kristy that they are new in town and Julian is kind of shy and she is hoping that he will make new friends by joining the team. Where are these kids' parents? Why is the 12-year old in charge of arranging extracurricular activities and managing the social life of the 8-year old?

Practices are still chaotic and they start to get more so because things start to come up missing. Some equipment disappears, and some pages out of Kristy's notebook. Also a few of the new players have pushy parents or siblings who don't like the way Kristy is running the team.

Here is a high-school aged kid yelling at Kristy because he thinks she's not coaching his sister on how to hold the bat the right way. I've mentioned before that Karen looks awkward in a lot of the illustrations of her playing softball, but really, if you don't like the way that someone is coaching your kid, maybe you should sign them up for something else instead of bitching about the free option. The high school kid also comes to practices with his sister. You know, because, again, that's what older siblings DO, is watch and critique boring little kid sport practices. There's another kid whose dad is overbearing and wants him to hit home runs all the time, and again I'm left to wonder why the hell he wouldn't sign his kid up for actual Little League if he wants him to become a good player. Because being the best player on Kristy's Krushers isn't really that much of an accomplishment.

Anyway, the mystery. Karen, Hannie, and Nancy notice that all of the equipment stolen is for right-handers. They decide the thief must be a lefty, who is trying to remove equipment so that the right handed players can't use it. They find a baseball card on the ground near some bats that got knocked over or moved or something. And they see that whoever stole Kristy's stats notebook and changed some numbers used a dark pencil with a pink eraser that left pink smudges on the paper. Pencil with pink eraser should help us catch that thief right away, amirite?

The subplot in this book is that Ms. Colman the greatest teacher ever has been out of school for a while because of having a baby but she is going to come back and the class plans a welcome back party for her. She doesn't come back on the scheduled day so they have the party anyway to cheer themselves up, and then have another party when she really returns. They also combine it with a going away party for their substitute teacher Mrs. Hoffman. Normally I'd say something snotty about how many parties a classroom really needs, but these kids were in second grade for like 10 years, so I guess it doesn't hurt anything to have extra parties and field trips.

Kristy wants to hold a toy sale to raise money for new equipment. Mommy helps Karen and Andrew sort through their toys. Andrew is willing to donate everything, but Karen refuses to part with her toys. Raise your hand if you are surprised. Nobody? Eventually Mommy donates Karen's old tea set despite Karen's protests, but don't worry, because Nancy buys it at the sale so Karen can still play with it. Also some of the shit Mommy is talking Andrew into donating is clearly broken, like a wind-up bear which no longer winds, which doesn't make much sense to me. Who is going to buy broken toys at Kristy's yard sale spectacular? Toss them, seriously.

Barbie and Julian come to the toy sale and Karen says Barbie is wearing another cool outfit but I don't see anything notably cool about it. There aren't even any scribbles on her shirt. Julian apparently only owns the one outfit. Barbie has a binder of baseball cards and Karen realized that it has one missing card where the card found at the crime scene would go. Barbie also has a pencil. With a pink eraser. No, for real. So Karen confronts her with the evidence and Barbie confesses that she just wanted Julian to look good so she was trying to make some better players look bad so that he'd make friends. Seems a bit convoluted to me but that's okay. Barbie buys some new equipment for the Krushers with her own money which along with the proceeds from Kristy's yard sale is enough to outfit the team nicely, and then they play a game against the Bashers and Julian hits a home run.

Oh also every time Karen gets up to bat in this book she gets on base, even though pretty much everyone else on the team strikes out repeatedly. Maybe she's getting too good for the Krushers and should go join Little League.