Mystery #10, Stacey and the Mystery Money

This is one of the mysteries I don't particularly care for. I'd say it's because young teenagers have no business trying to investigate counterfeiters, or because the plot is contrived, but really, the more I do these recaps, the more I realize I just find Stacey boring except in the book where she quits the club and the book where she goes to a concert with girls who sneak wine in their socks.

Stacey is going to babysit for her favorite kid, Charlotte. They are going to go downtown and have lunch and do some shopping. Charlotte is very excited about this and feels very grown-up. They go into the Merry-Go-Round and Stacey finds some earrings she wants, but when she goes to pay for them, the cashier thinks the $10 bill Stacey gives her is counterfeit. She calls the police.

This is the scene depicted on the front cover. First of all, I always pictured the Merry-Go-Round as a much more casual type of shop, not a gold-jewelry-locked-in-glass-cases place. Secondly, what the hell is Charlotte wearing? Is this what the illustrator honestly thought 8-year olds were wearing in 1993 when this book was published? I mean, yes, the text does say that Charlotte is excited about the lunch and shopping and is a little dressed up, but she looks like she's dressed to step into a time machine and go to 1953 to eat.

The cops show up and ask some questions and say that the bill is fake and that Stacey will need to come to the station with them. Then and only then does Stacey call her mother, and it's only because she wants her mom to watch Charlotte until her parents are done with work. Stacey's mother is like "sure, whatever, take my minor child to the station with you and interrogate her without her parent or a lawyer present, that's fine." This is a stupid move on Stacey's mother's part, I'm just throwing that out there. Charlotte  is really upset because she thinks Stacey is getting arrested. Stacey tries to reassure her but it doesn't really work. Stacey goes to the police station and tells her story several times.

Kristy babysits a new client, Georgie Hoyt. Georgie is 8 and has an older brother and sister, twins who are in 8th grade. The twins are named Terry and Tasha. Stacey has a crush on Terry, and apparently he likes her back, because he invites her on a date. While she's babysitting for Georgie, Kristy finds a school ID with Tasha Hoyt's picture on it but a different name, but doesn't know why it might be there. 

The club has a special Saturday morning get-together (at which Claudia is wearing tie-dyed pajamas) and Kristy is kind of a cow to Stacey.  She's worried that news might get out to their clients that one of them passed a fake bill, and it would be bad for business. I don't know why I even like Kristy, because she is really kind of a bitch to most of her friends a lot of the time. The club decides that they will try to solve the counterfeiting mystery, to clear Stacey's name.


At school on Monday, the girls use lunchtime to go to the library and research counterfeiting. While they are there, they see Alan Gray and a couple of other boys standing by the dictionaries and snickering. Kristy rolls her eyes and says they're probably just looking up dirty words. This little detail is amusing to me.

After school, the club goes to the public library and also to the police station. The officer they speak with at the police station tells them to stay out of it and let the professionals catch the criminals. This is sound advice which naturally is ignored completely. 

Jessi babysits for Becca and Charlotte. Charlotte is still worried about Stacey so Jessi tells her about what the club is doing and Charlotte wants to help. I mean it's goddamn stupid enough that 11- and 13-year olds are trying to catch criminals, but dragging 8 year olds into it is not a quality I would be looking for in a babysitter.  Jessi, Charlotte, and Becca stake out copy machines around town because they think the counterfeiters may be making copies of money on copy machines in public places.  They see one of the teachers from the middle school using a copier and remember that Stacey had seen him the other day, which makes him a suspect. You know, because teachers have utterly zero reason to use a copy machine aside from being counterfeiters. It's not like they might need to copy anything for class, amirite?

Stacey goes on her date to the movies with Terry, and afterward, they go out to eat with Mary Anne and Logan. Stacey notices that Terry references living in at least half a dozen cities, and she thinks he might have said different middle names when introducing himself to her mother and then to Mary Anne. Who introduces themselves by their full name anyway is what I want to know. Then Mary Anne and Logan leave, and Stacey's ex-boyfriend comes in with his new girlfriend, which is awkward.

At the club meeting, Kristy says that she thinks the Hoyts are the counterfeiters because they've lived a lot of places and Georgie didn't want her to open a closet in their house when she sat for him. Everyone but Stacey is like "oh, maybe".

The girls follow their english teacher around school and spy on him because this book is stupid. And long.

Stacey babysits for Charlotte again and they go stake out copiers and then they leave and see a man running through a parking lot and he drops a bag that is filled with counterfeit money. For some ungodly fucking reason, Stacey decides that the person to call in this situation is not the cops, but her friends and Terry Hoyt. The kids all come and wait in the parking lot for the counterfeiter to come back for the money and then they take his photo to give to the police. Because that is a much better idea than calling the police in the first fucking place. At least Stacey has the brains to take Jessi up on her offer to take Charlotte to her house to play with Becca instead of staking out criminals.

Terry Hoyt tells Stacey that they don't need to take the photo of the bad guy to the cops. They can just take it to his dad. It turns out his dad is a Secret Service agent who moves from place to place investigating counterfeiters. The pictures help him catch the criminal, he lectures Stacey for getting involved in the first place (THANK you), then Stacey says goodbye to Terry (real name: David Hawthorne) and he kisses her and the Hoyts move away.

Good lord this book is fucking stupid. And boring. My score: 1/10.

LS #30, Karen's Kittens

This book starts out with Karen being bored on a rainy day. She's at her mom's house playing Go Fish with Andrew. Then there is the chapter where she tells us about her families. Then it is a weekend at her dad's house, and she has a really boring night there, too. I'm not just being an ass about it, either. Literally, in the book, Karen is complaining that she is bored and describing how there is nothing going on. I don't know who thought it would be a good hook to start a story with three boring chapters.

Finally, that Saturday morning, the interesting parts of the story start. Karen sees a grey tail going into the toolshed and goes to investigate. Look how long her hair is in this illustration. I think this may be the longest-haired Karen in any of the illustrations I've seen thus far. Also, she appears to have worn Charlie's shirt by accident, that thing is enormous. When Karen looks in the shed, she sees a grey tiger striped cat, which is apparently the only kind of cat in Stoneybrook, because don't Boo-Boo and Mary Anne's stupid kitten match this description? Watson tells her that the cat is going to have kittens and has probably chosen their toolshed to do it because it is a private space, or it was till Karen found it. Karen brings the cat some food and water. She states that she does not ask Boo-Boo before bringing some of his food to the other cat because he would probably say no. You know, because cats can talk.

Karen names the mama cat Growly, because it growls at her. I would make fun of her for picking crap names, but to be fair, she's just a little kid. My niece tried to name my cat Sharp Claws (although she was four, not seven.) Growly has five kittens in the toolshed. Karen thinks they are kind of ugly because she expected them to look like TV kittens. Watson explains that the kittens will get cuter after the first couple of weeks. Karen goes up to her room and uses her crayons to make birth announcements for the kittens to give out to her family and friends.

Here's the cover. Karen is playing with the kittens and again, her hair is really long.

Karen begs to keep one or all of the kittens, but both of her parents tell her no. Watson does tell her she can find homes for the kittens when they are old enough. This book (like a lot of the early LS books) has hardly any scenes at Karen's mom's house, and also skips over several weeks. The kittens are born, then the next time we read about them, they're a month old, then they're eight weeks old.

Karen, Hannie, and Melody play with the kittens in a featureless void. I don't like Melody. I wish Amanda had never moved away, because I'm sure she would have had something to say about the relative merits of free kittens vs. $500 Persian cats.

Karen's first idea to get homes for the kittens is to set up a table, put the kittens in a box, and make a sign that says "FREE KITTENS." Soon the yard is full of kids manhandling the kittens, but none of the kids can take a kitten home. Then when Karen wants the kittens put back in the box, one of them is missing. Karen throws everyone but Hannie and Melody out of her yard so they can find the kitten.

Karen's next idea is to take photos of the kittens in to her class and ask if anyone can have one. Natalie "Droopy Socks" Springer says she can have a cat, and chooses the one she wants. Karen promises to bring it over the next day. Mommy drives her over to Daddy's house so that Charlie can drive her to bring the kitten to Natalie, but when they get there, it turns out Natalie can't have a kitten after all. Her parents told her she could have a pet but they meant something like a turtle or guinea pig. Charlie drives Karen and the kitten back to Daddy's house where she explains what happened, then Charlie drives her back to her mom's house. It would probably have been more efficient for him to drop her off on the way from Natalie's, just saying.

Karen remembers that when Mommy and Seth wanted to sell their couch, they invited over several people who wanted to buy a couch, and sold it in one day. Why they knew multiple people who wanted to buy a couch I don't know. Maybe it was just a time of couch shortage in Stoneybrook and they were taking advantage. This anecdote makes me glad that I live in a time where I can sell my couch on Craigslist, no couch-sale party necessary.

Karen hands out invitations that basically say "Do you want a cat? Will your parents allow you to have a cat? Bring a parent to a kitten party and get a kitten!" Nancy's parents read the invitation and call Karen to ask her to set aside a kitten for Nancy as a surprise, because they can't come to the party but want her to have a cat. A bunch of people come to the party, and all of the rest of the kittens are adopted. One of them is adopted by Melody's family, because their cat died the year before and they had wanted to get a new cat. This is weird because in the regular series books, Melody's baby sister Skylar is terrified of cats. Karen goes over to Melody's house and Melody and her mom tell Karen that she can share the kitten and visit it whenever she is at her dad's. The kitten will never be mentioned again, either in the LS or the regular series.

Growly the cat runs away, and Watson tells Karen that she is a wild cat and needs to be free. I kind of wish that they had gotten Growly fixed because the next people whose toolshed she has kittens in may not be able to find homes for them. And yes, I understand that this is not really Watson's responsibility, but neither was providing for the kittens and finding them homes, and they did that.

Karen takes the final kitten to Nancy's house and Nancy is absolutely thrilled. She tells Karen that the kitten can be half Karen's. Karen tells us that having half a kitten at Nancy's and half a kitten at Melody's is perfect for a two-two. Gag-gag.

Foods eaten in this book: "a big plate of hamburgers and rolls and lots of gloppy stuff to put on them" (yes, it says exactly that in the book. Yes, it sounds gross. No, I don't know if the gloppy stuff was on the same plate with the hamburgers and rolls.), Fruity-Os, popcorn, pretzels, raisins, carrot sticks, juice, soda.

My score: 3.5/10

#74, Kristy and the Copycat

It is the best time of the year, by which obviously I mean Opening Week for the MLB season.  Go Rockies! It is a week where you don't even care if your team sucks, and you find yourself watching parts of games between teams you'd never watch otherwise. Marlins-Nationals? Orioles-Rays? Cubs-Pirates? Hell, why not, baseball is back and I'm going to get my fill! Also, with Twitter and streaming video, it's easier than ever before to catch highlights and know which games are worth looking at for at least an inning or two.

Anyway, I knew that I needed a softball book for this time of year, even though the Krushers are the stupidest thing in the Baby-Sitters Club series.* Seriously, the only thing dumber than the Krushers is the Bashers. The Krushers are kids who are too little or sucky for Little League, right? Including a two year old, because that's a thing that would happen. And they rarely beat the Bashers because the Bashers are older and better, right? Well, then, why the hell aren't the Bashers in Little League? And who did they play before Kristy made her team to face them? And then later when they make the Krashers which is the best players on the Krushers and Bashers and they travel to other towns, why aren't THOSE kids in Little League? But I'm getting a bit ahead of myself, I suppose.

This book starts out with Kristy riding home on the school bus thinking about how she's felt a little blah lately. She describes her family, of course. She says that her parents divorced when she was eight years old, which is wrong. She was six.

Chapter two, club meeting, and Claudia is wearing an outfit:

Today she was into big: a big yellow shirt with red X-shaped buttons, enormously baggy white pants, and big red Doc Martens double-laced with black and yellow shoelaces. Her long straight black hair was pulled up on top of her head with more black and yellow shoelaces braided together. Her earrings said "stop" and "go"--"stop" in her left ear and "go" in her right.

It's been a while since I recreated one of these in Neopets form for you, so here you go. I think I got the stop and go backwards though.

Kristy leads the Krushers through a practice and decides that her blah feeling is because she misses actually playing the game. Her friends suggest she try out for the SMS softball team, but Kristy doesn't think she has time. Her life is too busy with school, sitting, and coaching. She doesn't want to disappoint the Krushers by giving up on them. Stacey and Claudia offer to take over the Krushers if Kristy makes the SMS team, so Kristy goes to tryouts.

Kristy's heard that the softball coach is very tough, and she's nervous about trying out, especially when she sees that the other girls trying out are really talented, especially the ones who were on last year's team. She describes one girl catching a ball over her shoulder with her bare left hand, then casually sauntering back to her position at shortstop.

OH MY GOD NO. OK. NO. THERE ARE NO LEFT-HANDED THROWING SHORTSTOPS. THIS IS NOT A THING THAT HAPPENS. WHY DO THESE BOOKS DO THIS TO ME, WHY.

Kristy makes a solid defensive grab and the coach praises her for doing a good job. The tryouts last a long time, and Kristy is exhausted by the end of it. She overhears some of the girls from the previous year's team saying something about an initiation, and she finds it hard to believe that sports teams still do initiations in 1994, when this book was published. That night at dinner, Sam and Charlie also both tease her about having to do an initiation if she makes the team.

Kristy makes the team, one of four new members. The others are named Tonya, Dilys, and Bea. As usual, the names feel a bit anachronistic for 1994. Dilys is the only sixth grader on the team. Bea is in eighth grade and I think Tonya is in seventh. Kristy, Bea, Dilys, and Tonya are approached by two team members named Marcia and Tallie, who tell them they must spray paint graffiti on an old shed as an initiation. Kristy protests, and Marcia and Tallie threaten that they will make the new players look bad in practice if they don't comply.

Kristy and Dilys both say they won't spray paint the shed, but after a few practices where they look bad, they change their mind and decide they will meet up with Tonya and Bea and they will all paint the shed. They do this on a Friday night. After they paint some graffiti, Tonya and Bea smoke cigarettes. Kristy, naturally, scolds them for smoking and stomps off.

The next morning Kristy hears a report on the radio that the shed they vandalized has burned down and a man is in the hospital after a failed attempt at putting out the fire. She panics because she is just certain that the shed burning down is somehow their fault, like, maybe Tonya and Bea's burnt matches ignited the spray paint and they didn't notice. Kristy freaks out and makes the other three come to the mansion for an emergency meeting. Tonya and Bea are like "calm down" but Dilys is pretty freaked out too. Then Tallie calls to say that if they tell, the team will say they are lying and there was no initiation.

The boys' baseball team ends up getting blamed for the fire, and after a bunch of boring angst, Kristy decides she's going to tell that it was really her. But the morning that she was going to go confess, it comes out that some high school kids burned the shed because they wanted to put out the fire and be heroes.

So, since the high schoolers have confessed, Kristy decides not to tell on herself and her teammates for vandalizing the shed, and also decides that she will stay on the softball team. Maybe she'll change it from within, she thinks. Maybe she'll make it so that next year, there's no initiation. Which seems silly, because a.) Kristy still isn't that tight with the other girls on the team, because she's kind of a goody two-shoes and b.) assuming she makes a team, she'll be on the high school team next year, not the middle school team, so how will she stop anything?

Meanwhile, Stacey and Claudia are attempting to coach the Krushers. First, at a meeting, Kristy tries to explain softball to them. First they are talking about throwing strikes and full counts and Kristy says that strategy is too advanced for the Krushers and suggests they do simple drills instead. She starts to describe a drill and Stacey and Claudia are both suddenly stupid and do not understand what a drill is, even though they were using baseball terms three paragraphs prior. At Stacey and Claudia's first practice, Claudia wears the following:

Claudia was wearing a red satin baseball cap, purple sweatpants that were cut off just below the knees, purple high-tops with neon pink laces, red-and-white-striped socks, and a red and pink tie-dyed crop top shirt.

That sounds hideous.

Stacey and Claudia tell the kids to do some drills, then have a short practice game. Claudia acts as the umpire and hears "a half dozen bewildering phrases, including 'infield fly rule', 'tagging up', and 'full count.'" This is stupid and makes no sense, because a.) full count is one of the phrases Stacey and Claudia used before Kristy even explained softball to them and b.) if throwing strikes is too advanced of strategy for the Krushers, then what the hell are they doing talking about the rest of this shit? I am just going to go ahead and assume it's Gabbie Perkins the wonder-two-year-old who is explaining the infield fly rule to the others.

Then Claudia and Stacey run one other practice and it goes a bit better, except for Karen Brewer following them around trying to talk about makeup and boyfriends while they coach. The title of this book, Kristy's Copycat, refers to Karen trying to act more grown up and talk to the BSC about boyfriends and makeup, even though that's only like one chapter plus three pages of the book. Still, I suppose Kristy's Copycat is a catchier title than, say, Kristy Might Have Burned Down a Shed.

My score: 4/10.

*except for that stupid book where Karen meets the president of the United States