#91, Claudia and the First Thanksgiving

This book starts out right. We get a description of Claudia's outfit on page four.

Now where was I? Oh. Right. My autumn fashion colors. I'd put on a pair of baggy pants, not blue, not black, but yellow. With these I was wearing my red Doc Martens, laced with orange and yellow laces, and this great, funky, enormous shirt that I found in a vintage clothes shop. It has a leaf pattern on it. The leaves are in a Hawaiian print design, and the colors are fabulous. Underneath I was wearing my red and yellow tie-dyed long underwear shirt. To complete the ensemble, I had on earrings that I'd made myself, shaped like pumpkins, and a fringed yellow-and-white scarf tied around my hair.

Claudia goes to school and finds out that her next Short Takes class is going to be a drama class. If you stopped reading before this point in the series, Short Takes classes were these special classes the middle school kids would take for six weeks at a time. I guess it was a way to work in more school related plots without having to worry about any previously established continuity with what the girls were studying. Because continuity was a huge concern in the series, right. Anyway, Claudia's class is assigned to write a play for the third graders at the elementary school to perform. The class decides to do a play about the first Thanksgiving.

All seven of Mallory's brothers and sisters decide to dress as Groucho Marx for Halloween. This seems like a very Stoneybrook thing to dress as. Mallory, naturally, is a giant party pooper who does not dress up while she and her father take the others trick-or-treating. Because Mallory is eleven, so she is far too mature to dress in a costume and get candy like her ten-year old brothers.

Claudia and her classmates decide they will make a Thanksgiving play that will highlight the differences between modern times and the Pilgrim era. The play sounds, honestly, pretty terrible, because in order to highlight the differences, the dialogue has to be really heavy-handed. But the third graders are excited about the play, because, well, they're in third grade. Don't worry, though. All of the speaking roles in the play go to kids the club sits for. Betsy Sobak gets the lead, and Jake Kuhn is Squanto, and Carolyn Arnold is Miles Standish.

In lieu of boring babysitting chapters, we get sitting jobs that just happen to take place at rehearsals. First, Mary Anne babysits for Laurel and Patsy Kuhn and decides to walk them over to watch the rehearsal. I always wonder how some of the names in this series were chosen. Because a five-year old named Patsy just seems anachronistic. Mary Anne watches as the kids rehearse the lines, which, again, are pretty terrible.

Here's the cover. Claudia is wearing one of the outfits she describes later on, well, almost. The skirt isn't rainbow colored but it's fairly close. The Pilgrim cooking the turkey looks about ten years older than the little kid pointing at her while she does it.

At the next rehearsal, Claudia and some kids are painting scenery, and she notices some parents watching the rehearsal. She mentions that a little girl named Susie is part of the scenery crew, which, again, how many 8-year olds were named Susie in 1995? Susie's mother is watching and making a bitchface while the kids rehearse. There are some other unhappy looking parents there too.

Jessi has a babysitting job which brings her to the next rehearsal, where there are a bunch of angry parents milling about. They are upset at the content of the play, because they don't want their kids talking about historical differences in women's rights and race relations. Some parents start to shout. Abby yells right back, because she is Passionate, but Claudia stays away from the main conflict.

The class is told that either they can put on the traditional Thanksgiving story with the kids, or the play will be canceled. They decide to go ahead and do the play because the little kids are excited about it, but the night of the play, they go around writing the word "CENSORED" in red on the posters and things.

I want to point out, though, that I was a very well dressed graffiti artist/protestor. [sic] Just for the occasion, I was wearing my rainbow colored crinkle gauze skirt, my crocheted vest with the matching hat, and my silver earrings (designed by me, of course). I felt that I looked artistic, yet responsible. And of course my button, with the bright red writing on it, added the finishing touch.

The next night, the original version of the play is performed at the middle school by a different Short Takes class. There are lines of protesters outside the school, some pro-play, some anti-. Some of the people in Stoneybrook really have too much free time on their hands. Don't worry, every single person the club sits for supports the 8th graders. It's only the non-recurring characters who feel that it is un-American to spit out lines of overwritten dialogue about women's rights as related to Thanksgiving. As Claudia watches the play, she realizes it  really isn't very good, but she is glad that the play went on anyway.

The subplot in this book is that everyone's plans for Thanksgiving fall through. Mallory's family was supposed to stay at a cousin's apartment in New York and watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade from the windows but the apartment flooded and they will be unable to do so. Sound familiar? Jessi was supposed to visit relatives, but the relatives were wait listed for spots on a church retreat and spots open up so they can go. That's noteworthy because it's one of the few overt mentions of religion in the series.

The girls talk Kristy's parents into inviting everyone's families over and hosting Thanksgiving for 36 people (then Dawn shows up as a surprise so 37.). It sounds like fun but also like a lot of work. The adults all cook at Kristy's house the day before while the club sits for all the younger kids at the Pike house. Most of the kids get to help make cookies and decorations but the triplets have to clean their room before they can do any of that. Except don't the triplets share a room with Nicky? Nicky is baking cookies with the others, apparently he is immune to cleaning. Then after the triplets clean their room they play pin the feathers on the turkey and Claudia says that one wall of the Pike family room is covered in cork so it doesn't matter where the pushpins go in. Is that weird? I think it's weird. I can't imagine it looks very good.

The next day they all eat Thanksgiving together and I should probably say something snarky about it, but it's actually one of my favorite subplots. I like it when the girls' families spend time together.

LS #89, Karen's Unicorn

At the beginning of this book, Karen is reading a book about unicorns. She's recently become interested in them and has found out that unicorns are special, magical creatures. According to Karen, you have to be very, very good for a unicorn to befriend you. Also, if you get close to a unicorn, you can make a wish, and the unicorn will grant it. And unicorns are always pure white, and they can detoxify drinking water with their horns. Karen's been trying to tell her friends and family about unicorns, but nobody else believes in them.

Karen's unicorn daydreams are interrupted by Andrew, who is trying to learn to ride a two-wheeler and wants Karen to help him. Karen tries, but Andrew isn't having much luck. She tries to tell him he's too little to ride a bike but he is having none of it. Tricycles are for babies and he is going to learn to ride a bike, even though it is Karen's old bike that is too big for him. You would think Watson the Real Live Millionaire could buy his son an appropriately sized boy's bike, but I guess he probably wouldn't let him bring it to Mommy's house anyway.

I thought the illustration of it was really cute. Andrew is wearing knee and elbow pads. Apparently he was not scared enough by Karen's roller skating mishap to wear wrist guards as well. Karen is rocking her usual side ponytail. They go inside and eat dinner and find out that Seth is going to have to move his carpentry shop because the building he's in is being renovated and the rent increased.

The next day, on the bus ride to school, Karen and Nancy see a poster. The circus is coming to town. Not only is the circus coming to town, but it is going to feature a Real Live Unicorn. (No other animal acts, just the unicorn.)

All the kids are talking about the circus when they get to school, but Karen is the only one in her class who believes that unicorns are real. They get some more exciting news when they find out that the class will be taking a field trip to the circus and will get to take a special tour. Karen is absolutely positive that the unicorn will grant her wishes. She makes a list of the wishes she wants the unicorn to grant.

The thing I like about her unicorn wish list is that she adds the parenthetical aside about who Maxie is. Even though it's just her own list that she's writing for herself. You know, in case later on, she's reading the wishes and is like "Who the hell is Maxie? Why do I want a letter from her?"

On unicorn circus day, Karen gets up and dresses in her unicorn sweatshirt and thinks that she hopes the unicorn will like her shirt. My niece went through a phase where she would always tell us that the cat liked her shirt. She was four, though. It's not that the cat actively disliked the shirts or anything, but I secretly suspect she didn't care, much like I secretly suspect the unicorn won't care.

Here is the cover. I used to have three copies of this book for unknown reasons, so I'm not sure why the one I kept has a giant crease on the cover, but that's OK. You can see Nancy, Karen, and Hannie watching the circus together. Karen is enchanted by the unicorn. After the show, the class gets their special tour. Bobby makes some comments about how the unicorn's horn is probably glued on, but Karen is even more positive that it is a real unicorn. She thinks her wishes at him as hard as she can.

When Karen gets home, she thinks that maybe the unicorn is busy, and five wishes is a lot, so she'll help him out a little. She writes a postcard to Maxie, and studies for her math test. When the tests come back, she missed 3 answers and is quite pleased with herself. I would have been crushed to miss three answers on a test in elementary school, but Karen seems happy. I guess 50 books ago, she was copying answers off Ricky, so it's an improvement. She also gets a response from Maxie.

Watson has gotten tickets to the circus that he can't use, and he offers them to Lisa, so Karen gets to see the circus again, which is the third of her wishes.

Here is Karen and her family watching a scary clown. After the show, Karen sneaks underneath the tent where the unicorn is kept while Mommy is using the port-a-potty. She thinks she sees his horn wiggle, but then it seems steady, so she just isn't sure. She thinks her two remaining wishes at the unicorn as hard as she can.

The next day, Andrew finally gets the hang of riding his bike, but he doesn't know how to stop. Karen runs along with him and they cross one street and turn one corner and see a brand new mini-mall which Karen decides will be perfect for Seth's workshop. They go home and tell Seth about it. He calls, and it turns out the place is perfect. Either Seth or his realtor must be kind of slacking, to not know about a property three blocks from their house, but everything ends up happy.

Karen's friends still don't believe in unicorns. Nancy says she's happy that Karen's wishes came true, but she did a lot of work for them, like studying and helping Andrew. Karen is still convinced the unicorn granted the wishes.

They go over to look at the building where Seth's carpentry workshop will be, and Karen sees circus trucks pulling out of town. The last thing she sees is a horse trailer, and she is just sure the unicorn winks at her as he drives away.

LS # 102, Karen's Black Cat

This book opens up with Karen sitting in the waiting room at the vet's while Elizabeth is in the exam room with the vet and Boo-Boo, Watson's 17 pound tomcat. Throughout the books, Boo-Boo has always been described as cranky. He doesn't like kids and he destroys the neighbors' gardens and he left a dead mouse on Morbidda Destiny's porch and she brought its remains over in a paper bag while Kristy was babysitting and scared her half to death. For all of these reasons and more, Boo-Boo is my favorite pet in the series. He's far, far superior to Mary Anne's stupid kitten. Anyway, as it turns out, there's nothing specific wrong with Boo-Boo, he's just getting older.

The family decides that they will get a new kitten. Elizabeth says it might cheer Boo-Boo up, but I sort of think her real reasoning is that Boo-Boo is going to die soon and it's easier to get a new kitten now then after. At least, that is the reasoning I had for getting a kitten when my old cat was old. Here is a picture of my Simon being cheered up by the new kitten:

Karen doesn't understand why everyone is so sad about Boo-Boo getting older. He's been old as long as she's known him. But she is told sharply that she can't hog the new kitten, and that she should try to think about Boo-Boo. She takes this to mean that she shouldn't love or play with the new kitten when they get it, because it might hurt Boo-Boo's feelings or make him feel resentful. Daddy tells Karen the story of how he got Boo-Boo from the shelter when he was single. He named the cat Boo-Boo because he nearly picked a different cat, and he wanted to remember that he almost made a boo-boo. I don't even know. That's the stupidest cat name logic I ever heard. I will confess that the orange kitty pictured above is called Boo-Boo, but a) that's not her official name and b) it's not after the books, either! Do you remember the show Animaniacs? They had this segment called Chicken Boo, and there was a little song. "You wear a disguise to look like human guys, but you're not a man, you're a chicken, Boo." We used to sing that to our kitten but with "kitten, Boo" instead of chicken, and it morphed into calling her Boo and Boo-Boo.

Karen's class at school is having a Halloween party wherein the children can have a parent bring in a pet during the party. This sounds like the stupidest idea in the world. A bunch of overexcited kids in Halloween costumes and a bunch of animals running around, really? Karen rejects all of the other pets at her house for various reasons and decides that she will honor Boo-Boo by inviting him to her party. Watson says that she may not bring Boo-Boo, because he is getting old, hates children, and needs peace and quiet. Karen ignores this and tells the teacher she will be bringing Boo-Boo, but then Daddy overhears her talking to Hannie and Nancy about it and she is told again that she cannot bring Boo-Boo to the Halloween pet party.

The cover shows Karen, wearing glasses that look more red than pink, holding a kitten while dressed as a witch. She is not wearing a side ponytail, probably because witch hats make side ponytails difficult.

When the family goes to pick out a new kitten, Karen really wants to get an orange tiger striped one and name it Pumpkin because it is so close to Halloween, but the rest of the family votes to get a black kitten. Karen is bitterly disappointed by this. She hopes the black kitten will turn out to have feline leukemia or something so they'll have to change their minds, but no, the black kitten is perfectly healthy and comes to live with them. Boo-Boo loathes the new kitten and hisses and growls at her.

My cat Gideon is 14.4 pounds, and Simon was even bigger, and I have to tell you, the cat in this illustration is no 17-pounder. Look at those tiny legs, and he barely comes up to mid-calf on a seven-year old. Also, he is pissed. You can see him thinking "Fuck this shit. I'm going to die in the next book."

Karen ignores the kitten while the rest of the family plays with her. Then they all sit down to suggest names for the kitten. David Michael suggests Midnight. This amuses me because Morbidda Destiny next door also has a black cat named Midnight. That wouldn't get confusing at all. Of course David Michael is the one who named their dog after a neighbor, so maybe he's just not great at thinking up names on his own. Karen suggests they let Watson choose the name and everyone else agrees. Watson decides that the cat will be named Pumpkin.

Karen tries to be nice to Boo-Boo but he spends a lot of time hiding under Watson's bed and running away from her. Then when she is in her room, Pumpkin comes in and plays with a piece of paper and Karen's determination to resist Pumpkin's charms melts away. She asks the family if she can take the new kitten to her pet party at school. They all agree. At the party, Karen dresses as a witch and shares her pet with Natalie Springer, who is dressed as, I don't know, a storybook character of some sort? Probably one with droopy socks.

#17, Mary Anne's Bad Luck Mystery

This book opens with Mary Anne eating lunch with her friends. Here is what Claudia was wearing.

The best way to get this point across is to describe to you what Claudia was wearing at lunch that day. It was her vegetable blouse: an oversized white shirt with a green vegetable print all over it -- cabbages and squashes and turnips and stuff. Under the blouse was a very short jean skirt, white stockings, green anklets over the stockings, and lavender sneakers, the kind boys usually wear, with a lot of rubber and big laces and the name of the manufacturer in huge letters on the sides. Wait, I'm not done. Claudia had pulled the hair on one side of her head back with a yellow clip that looked like a poodle. The hair on the other side of her head was hanging in her face. Attached to the one ear you could see was a plastic earring about the size of a jar lid.

 That is an epic outfit description. It really sets the tone for this book.

Mary Anne gets a chain letter in the mail. It claims that if she breaks the chain, she and her friends and loved ones will have bad luck. Mallory and Jessi think she shouldn't break the chain, but none of her other friends want to get chain letters, and Mary Anne doesn't want to spend $3 on photocopies and a few bucks more on postage, so she throws the letter away. After throwing away the letter, she has a terrible day, including such things as falling out of bed in the morning, spilling orange juice on a white dress, forgetting a babysitting job, and dropping some food on the floor in the cafeteria.

The next chapter has Dawn babysitting for Jackie Rodowsky, who is crafting a robot costume for Halloween and wants Dawn to help him. There are a lot of spills and messes, and the costume falls apart when he tries it on, but still, I've always thought making a robot costume out of cardboard boxes and jar lids and an old Slinky and things sounds like fun.

Mary Anne gets a package in her mailbox addressed to her and the rest of the club. It contains a jewelry box with a necklace in it, and a note saying that it is a bad luck charm and she has to wear it or else. Mallory and Jessi are all, "This is why you don't break chains." Mary Anne has some more bad luck, as do the other club members and some kids at school. One of the things that happens is that Jamie Newton falls down some stairs while Mary Anne is babysitting him and skins his knee. This is the scene depicted on the cover. Mary Anne is wearing what looks like sweats, and of course the bad luck charm, but Jamie is in shorts.

The club goes to the library to check out books about magic, because they are just sure they need a spell of some sort to counteract Mary Anne's bad luck. Once again they look things up in the card catalog and I feel a wave of nostalgia.

Jessi babysits Jamie Newton. It's not a bad chapter, as far as babysitting chapters go, but it's not all that interesting either. Then Claudia and Mallory sit for the Pike kids in one of the more memorable jobs in the series. First of all, Mr. Pike has left a stew with cut up hot dog pieces on the stove. Claudia thought it looked revolting, but the gross Pike kids were all really excited about it. They call it Daddy Stew and it is a special treat.

Mmm, that shit looks tasty as hell. The stew is supposed to cook until 6:30, but Byron the fatty triplet can't wait, and turns up the burner under it, burning and ruining the dish. Claudia tells Byron he is in charge of cleaning up the mess. Cleaning burned on stew from a big pot sounds like a pain in the ass, not to mention that thirty books from now, he won't even be able to clean up his own spilled milk, and Mallory will have to do it for him. Then a sparrow flies into the house through the chimney, and they have to open doors and windows and shoo it out. Then Vanessa knocks out a loose tooth and has blood pouring from her mouth. Claudia and Mallory make 18 tuna fish sandwiches (2 apiece) which is the only thing everyone will agree to eat what with the disappointment over the Daddy stew. Then the Pikes are late getting home and they don't even call, because they were stuck in traffic and couldn't call.

The girls get together to go through the books, but they don't really find anything useful. The spells all call for things like scrapings from the underside of a sea snake. I don't really know what they were expecting, but they set the books aside and prepare to go to the school dance. Well, Mallory and Jessi's parents won't allow them to go, but the eighth graders go. Mary Anne and Logan go in costume as cats. Mary Anne's costume has a leotard and tights, and Logan had purchased fabric and his mother sewed him a "fur suit." I snickered. Nobody in 1988 could have guessed what would pop into my head seeing "fursuit" in 2012. Claudia didn't wear a costume

unless you'd consider Claudia's wild floral outfit, gigantic hair clip, and armload of silver bangle bracelets a costume. Most people would. Claudia didn't.

and Dawn dressed in regular clothes but smeared green makeup on her face and stuck a plastic wart on it. For some reason I'd never really paid attention to that detail before, and I find it intriguing. I have recreated Dawn's outfit for you in Neopets form:

At the dance, Cokie Mason tells Mary Anne "Nice bad luck charm." Mary Anne is upset by this and more upset when she gets home and there is a note telling her that the whole club needs to go to Old Hickory's grave at midnight the next night, which is Halloween. The girls decide to have a sleepover at Kristy's, and tell their parents that Charlie will be picking them up at 10:30. For some reason all of the parents, even the ones who won't let their kids go to a school dance with chaperons (which was over well before 10:30 because Mary Anne had to be home by 10) are totally cool with this. Mary Anne realizes that the only people she's told about the bad luck charm are her friends, so if Cokie called it a bad luck charm, she must be the one who sent it. The girls get Charlie to drive them to the graveyard early, where they rig up some traps and scare the pants off of Cokie and her group of friends, who had indeed been planning to try to scare the club. Then they really do have a sleepover at Kristy's house, and Mary Anne decides to keep the necklace, which her father had told her was a mustard seed, a symbol of faith.

LS #66, Karen's Monsters

This book basically has three plots and I can't figure out which one is supposed to be the main plot. I guess it's the bit about the monster, because that's what the book is titled, so I'll start there.

Here is the cover. Karen has a really curly ponytail on this one, and I love her outfit. I would seriously buy it for my niece if I found it in a store, although maybe not with the boots. Karen is reacting in horror to a monster that is sitting in her garage. Charlie is building the monster (who he names Frankenstone) for the football team's homecoming float. (Sam, by the way, is riding on the Math Club float. Dressed as a giant number 5.) The parade is Halloween themed because the homecoming game is right around Halloween. Anyway, Charlie is apparently quite talented in the monster building department, because he is able to make a realistic looking monster, add LED lights to its eyes, and make it moan. Karen is a little scared of the monster, especially after a chapter where Sam and Charlie are babysitting and they turn the lights off and scare Karen, Hannie, and Nancy with the monster.

A day after the scare, Karen notices that Frank is missing from the garage. She naturally assumes he's come to life and is out menacing the neighbors, but Charlie correctly realizes that Frank has, in fact, been stolen. He thinks it might be someone from one of the other clubs who want to use Frank on their own float. He lets Karen help him look for clues. They find a tire track and some cleat marks.

Charlie's outfit did not stand the test of time nearly as well as Karen's, sorry Charlie. Karen remembers that one time, Charlie stole a rival school's mascot and hid it in their toolshed, so she suggests that they look in toolsheds. Instead, Charlie realizes that the captain of the Bricktown Bulldogs football team stole his monster. He and Karen drive to Bricktown and steal Frank back from Ellis Wood. It is a very exciting moment for Karen. Charlie is so glad to have his monster back that he arranges for Karen, David Michael, Andrew, and Emily to ride on the float in the parade. He gets monster costumes for them to wear.

As you can see, the float is a box floating in space, with the word "Halloween" printed on one end and "SCHOOL" on the long side. Karen is wrapped in bubble wrap and has cat whiskers. Andrew appears to be a Ninja Turtle, and Emily looks like a lion. David Michael is wearing rubber hands and Groucho glasses. They are the scariest monsters I ever did see.

Meanwhile, Karen's class in school is going to put on a program for their families. It is an autumn themed program. Each of the kids has to write a story and read it aloud during the program. It's a good thing there are only 18 kids in their class, because that sounds really boring for the attendees. The class makes decorations and refreshments. Nancy, despite wanting to be an actress when she grows up, is a total whiny baby about having to read her story aloud. She's scared. Karen and Hannie try to help her, by letting her practice with them as the audience, but Nancy is still terrible at it. She tries writing a story that she knows Ms. Colman won't allow her to read, titled "Fall is Stinky", but Ms. Colman just makes her write a new story. Finally on the day of the program, Karen orders everyone in the audience to turn their backs to Nancy, and she is able to overcome her stage fright and read her story aloud.

Also, Emily has been throwing tantrums in the morning through the whole book. When Nannie and Watson bring her to the program at Karen's school, Emily disappears and they find her in the kindergarten classroom. They realize that Emily has been throwing fits in the morning because she wants to go to school like the big kids. They can't find a preschool program for her, but Kristy (naturally) suggests they start a playgroup for her with Sari Papadakis and two other nearby toddlers who were made up for this book and will never be mentioned again. (Petey and Nelson are their names.)

Here is Karen, wearing a bitchin' jean jacket, stepping over a tantrum throwing Emily. But don't worry, because after Kristy comes up with the idea and Nannie is able to take Emily to her playgroup, she stops throwing tantrums in the morning, and all is (relatively) peaceful once again.

#125, Mary Anne in the Middle

I know, you're all thinking, great, a later series book. Nobody remembers the high numbered books because the people who'd been reading since the beginning were too old for them and the people who started reading later were still starting at the beginning of the series. Plus they tend to be terrible somewhat different in style than the early books. This book in particular is just awful. It's allegedly about Mary Anne, but the entire plot is about Mallory and Jessi. I always liked Mary Anne so it bums me out that the whole book is Mallory and Jessi and we don't get any of Mary Anne having dinner with her family or hanging with Kristy or Claudia or something.

The book starts out with Mary Anne babysitting the Pike kids with Mallory. Mrs. Pike has taken a temporary job for plot purposes for a little extra money during the holiday season so they babysit the Pike kids basically constantly. Mallory is anxious to find out whether she has been accepted to Riverbend, a boarding school she has applied to because the kids at school are teasing her and making life miserable. But even if she is accepted, she isn't sure yet whether she should go, so she hasn't discussed it much with the younger kids in her family.

Meeting time, and Mary Anne partially describes Claudia's outfit for us. I mean, I assume Claudia is also wearing pants and it is a partial description. It could just be a really long shirt.

Lately she's been working with colorful polymer clays and incorporating her creations into all her outfits. The shirt she was wearing that day was one she had tie-dyed and then cut into fringe around the bottom. At the end of each fringe was a polymer clay bead she'd made. Her earrings and necklace featured more of the same beads, and so did the barrette holding back her long, silky black hair.

 I have made Claudia's lovely beaded outfit for you in Neopets form. You just kind of have to imagine the beads on the fringe of her lovely tie-dyed outfit. I had a hard time deciding on the shoes, because at this point in the books, Claudia wore Doc Martens a lot, but I always kind of picture her in strappy silver sandals that lace around her leg because she wore those in every book for like six years one single eighth grade year and half of seventh grade.

Kristy asks Mallory if she's heard from Riverbend and that she needs to let them know if she decides to go so they can replace her in the club. Really, your friend might move away and you're talking about replacing her right in front of her? I don't know how bursts-into-tears-all-the-time Mary Anne can be such good friends with Kristy without getting her feelings hurt every other page. I don't imagine that Kristy has much patience for trying to coax someone into feeling better. I think Mary Anne's crying would just piss her off.

The next day Mary Anne is meeting Mallory at her locker after school. She sees that someone has written "SPAZ GIRL" on the locker and tries to scrub it off, but is unable to do so before Mallory sees it. As they walk, Mallory tells Mary Anne how unbearable she finds SMS and how much she liked her visit to Riverbend. Mary Anne realizes that Riverbend might be the best choice for Mallory.

They arrive at the elementary school and Mallory's siblings come out. The book tells us that Claire usually goes to morning kindergarten but for the duration of Mrs. Pike's job she goes to the afternoon class as well. This pisses me off so much every time I read it. It makes no sense that the school would just be like "sure, we'll put your child in a second class every day for three weeks or however long this stupid book your job lasts!" Just say it's all day kindergarten and nobody will even think twice about it. By the fall of 1998, which is the year this book was published, over half of all kindergarten students attended full day programs. It makes a lot more sense than utilizing a second half-day kindergarten class for three weeks in lieu of daycare.

They bring the gross Pike kids home and feed them chocolate milk and peanut butter "slathered" on Saltines. Objectively I don't really mind any of those foods but the Pikes still gross me out. The mail comes and Mallory gets an acceptance letter from Riverbend. They are offering her a full scholarship, probably so she can head up their fledgling baby-sitting program for the teachers' kids. Or because she is the best eleven year old writer in the whole world, because you know, the BSC is the best at everything they try. The kids are upset when they realize that if Mallory goes to boarding school, she will board there and no longer live at home. Then Mallory calls Jessi to tell her she got accepted and surprisingly, Mallory's best friend is not super stoked that she might be moving away. You know, because she's eleven. And she's going to miss her best friend. Mallory is like "omg what a bitch" because she's eleven. And she's only thinking about her own excitement.

The next day Mary Anne is babysitting the Pikes but with Jessi instead of Mallory. They go to the Pike house and prepare an unnamed snack that makes Adam say, "Gross!" and get out a package of cookies instead. The mind boggles at the existence of a snack that grosses a Pike child out. Jessi spends the sitting job bitching about how Mallory is just running away from her problems and abandoning her family. Then when Mallory gets home she and Jessi have a brief argument and Jessi storms out.

Here is the cover. I don't know whose house they are meant to be in but I doubt it is the gross Pikes' house. As you can see, Mary Anne is standing between Jessi and Mallory, because fuck this book, it's supposed to be about Mary Anne but none of it is. She has one phone conversation with Dawn and other than that she interacts with no one in her family. She doesn't even call her husband boyfriend Logan and rehash Mallory and Jessi's stupid drama, much less go on a date with him.

The next day Mallory tells Mary Anne that she has officially decided to go to Riverbend. Her siblings are acting cold and ignoring her, because their feelings are hurt. Then they go to a club meeting and Mallory announces her decision. Jessi can tell by Mary Anne's reaction that Mallory told her already and her feelings are very badly hurt, even though she and Mallory weren't exactly getting along. Jessi runs out of the club meeting. Then Mrs. DeWitt calls and needs two sitters so Mary Anne sneakily assigns Jessi and Mallory the job together. Because that's what professional sitters do, is send feuding people to someone's house to fight in front of their children.

Mallory's siblings are still mad at her except for Claire who is hanging all over her. Nicky wonders if their parents will have another kid to replace Mallory, because there are only seven of them now. I know eleven is pretty young for Mallory to be going away, but was Nicky planning to have everyone go to Stoneybrook Community College and then live at home forever?  After the job Mary Anne talks to Jessi who is still upset with Mallory, she feels like Mallory made up her mind the first time she visited the school and has been shutting her out ever since then.

By the time Mallory arrives for the job at the Barret/DeWitt house Jessi has told the kids that Mallory is moving away. Mallory is like wtf, and Jessi has a pretty amusing comeback. "Oh, I forgot, this is top secret," Jessi replied snippily. "Only Mary Anne is supposed to know." The DeWitt adults have scheduled this babysitting session so they can go to Bellair's and look at new furniture. Hey, guys? You have seven children under the age of nine. My suggestion is to not buy brand new furniture. Jessi has brought clay for the children to make Kwanzaa decorations, but when Mallory tells the four-year-old that she can make a snowman if she wants, Jessi freaks out on her and says she has to make Kwanzaa things and says, "I brought the clay. I'll be the one to say how she can use it." This is a very good example to set for a bunch of children. By the end of the sitting job Mallory and Jessi hate each other even more and both call Mary Anne to bitch at her for making them sit together without warning. Which is reasonable.

Jessi is having a sleepover at her house because a couple of her Dance NY friends are visiting. She had invited everyone in the BSC before the whole situation blew up, but for some reason Mary Anne manipulates Mallory into coming anyway, even though Mallory knows she's not wanted and Jessi greets her at the door with, "What are you doing here?" Mary Anne should probably have stayed out of this, because Mallory is chatting to one of Jessi's dance friends and Jessi overhears Maritza say "She'll get over it" and is upset that Mallory is talking about her and trying to turn her friends against her. Mallory leaves the sleepover, which, again, she knew in the first place that she probably shouldn't go.

The subplot in this book is that they are making homemade holiday decorations for Stoneybrook Manor, for the old people to enjoy. Abby babysits the Hobart boys and explains Hanukkah to them and they make a felt banner. Mallory, Mary Anne, and the Pike kids make styrofoam ornament balls, and the Pikes also make construction paper chains. Jessi makes the aforementioned Kwanzaa decorations with the Barrett/DeWitt kids. Then they have a party at the manor for all the residents. They make a group of four-year olds sing the Beatles' "Here Comes The Sun" in honor of the winter solstice. Reading about the party is boring, much like Mallory. Maybe that's why books with a Mallory focus always get the nursing home subplots. Because last time we had a shindig at the manor was when Mallory was laid up with mono, if you recall.

At the next club meeting they are trying to think of someone to replace Mallory, and decide that maybe they won't replace her, and Mallory feels bad because she "means so little" that they don't even need to replace her. Which was not exactly what they meant but come ON, there's not a good reason to directly discuss replacing your friend right in front of her. Then Mallory and Jessi both bitch to Mary Anne about each other and GODDAMMIT WHY DOES THIS BOOK STILL HAVE PAGES? WHY CAN'T IT BE OVER. You know what, that's it. I'm done with this book. I don't care if Mallory and Jessi make up and I don't care if it makes me a bad blogger, I cannot slog through another fucking page. I am going to make up my own ending.

Mary Anne is woken up very early by a phone call from Jessi, who is hysterical. Something has gone wrong at the Pike house. The entire club goes to look, in time to see Mrs. Pike being led away in handcuffs. Apparently she had been stealing like crazy from her seasonal job and has been tied to a rash of break-ins in Kristy's neighborhood. Mr. Pike, distraught, announces that most of the children will be sent to stay with relatives. The triplets will stay with him because nobody wants them, Mallory will go to boarding school, Claire and Margo will live with an aunt, Vanessa is to stay with a grandparent, and Nicky will live with Uncle Joe at Stoneybrook Manor. Jessi realizes that by fighting with Mallory, she will be missing out on her last chance to see her again. She hugs Mallory tightly as the rest of the Pike children huddle around them, sobbing, except for Byron the fatty triplet who is eating fried bologna and dipping it in leftover chocolate pudding.

LS #110, Karen's Swim Meet

I like this book, except for the part with the main plot.

It starts out with Karen, Hannie, and Nancy talking about what they're going to do on summer break. It turns out that Hannie's family is going on vacation and Nancy's family is having guests, so neither one of them will be available to play with Karen. Instead of being a giant brat about this and getting in a fight with her friends, Karen says she will plan something for the Fourth of July when Hannie will be back and Nancy's guests will be gone. Then Karen goes to help with corn for a cookout with her family.

Here is a picture of Karen eating corn with a couple of her stepbrothers. The smaller one is David Michael, who is supposed to have curly hair but rarely does in the illustrations [source: Kristy's Great Idea], and the other one, well, I don't know if that's meant to be Sam or Charlie but it is a very special drawing. As you can see, they are eating corn, hamburgers, possibly chicken, a bowl of scribbles, and a pan of scribbles. This book makes me hungry.

Karen finds out that some swimmer is going to be in Stoneybrook for the summer coaching the swim team for all ages. He got to the Olympic trials as a swimmer and now wants to coach. Watson calls for information and the community center says that the swim team is a fun summer activity open to swimmers of all ability levels, so he agrees to sign Karen up for the swim team for the summer. Karen makes a new friend there, Kristin, who is visiting in her aunt for the summer. Karen's classmate Terri is also on the swim team, even though she's not a very strong swimmer. Terri's twin sister Tammy is taking tennis lessons and not swim lessons. I appreciate that for once, the books actually don't have the twins doing the same activity.

So Karen makes better friends with Kristin and Terri. She invites them over and they make invitations and plans for the Fourth of July party Karen wants to have with Hannie and Nancy, and they also invite Terri's twin sister. The Kormans are out of town and have let Karen's family use the pool while they are gone, and Karen gets permission from her parents and the Kormans to have her party at their house and use their pool in the afternoon. Nannie helps Karen make red, white, and blue taffy. They also have a no-drip Popsicle eating contest. The main menu isn't spelled out, but they do have watermelon. The kids have fun because who doesn't like picnics? Communists that is who. Okay, well, I'll be honest and say that I don't personally really like picnics, but for some reason the one in this book always sounds fun to me. Maybe it's because most of the menu is left to imagination, and the foods they do have are not ones that get gross and dried out and kind of warm when eaten outside. So I can imagine eating watermelon outdoors and spitting the seeds, and I don't object to that the same way I object to taking a perfectly good sandwich and eating it outside so the pleasant breeze can dry it out and blow specks of dirt onto it. Another thing I like about the party is that even though Karen spent the summer playing with kids who were not Hannie and Nancy we do not have to read about anyone getting in a big fight. They just enjoy each other's company and it is a really sweet ending for the book.

Oh wait I left out the entire part with the main plot because the main plot sucked, oops. It turns out that Coach Awesome Swimmer is an asshole to the kids, because he wants them to be super good swimmers and win all the swimmer meets. He only helps the best swimmers during practice and doesn't help the sucky swimmers and then when the kids don't win the swim meets he is a dick. There's a chapter where is mean to Terri for doing the breaststroke poorly and makes her do it while everyone watches and he says hey kids this is how not to do the breaststroke! Look how bad Terri sucks at it! I can barely read this particular chapter because it ramps up my anxiety level so much. In another chapter, he forces Karen to do flip turns over and over until she is dizzy. Karen and the other kids talk to their parents and they say they will watch the coach, but then the coach is a lot nicer to the kids. Karen says she almost wishes he would be mean so the parents can see how he acts, but I don't know why she wants that. Wouldn't it be nicer if he had just randomly stopped being an asshole? But it doesn't last, and eventually he makes the kids do a bunch of dives off blocks in the rain and Watson confronts him and says, "Why are you making the kids practice in the rain?" The coach runs away and quits being the coach instead of saying "Well I'm not the one who drove the kids to practice in the rain so you don't have tons of room to talk asshole" so then the mean bad ogre of a competitive coach is gone and Karen and her friends can enjoy swimming again.

Also maybe i just sucked at swimming (OK, I sucked really bad at swimming) but they have the kids doing all the strokes at this part of the book and it just surprised me that 7-year olds would be doing the breaststroke and shit because I would expect them to know freestyle and maybe the backstroke but idk. Like I said, I sucked at swimming, so maybe it is expected that second graders should ought to know how to do a breaststroke.

Here is a bonus scan of the coach talking to some of the swim team members. He is probably mad at them for sucking at swimming.