#97, Claudia and the World's Cutest Baby

This one starts out with Claudia's family gathered around their new fax machine, waiting for it to finish printing out a sonogram. (This book was published in May of 1996.) Claudia's Aunt Peaches is about to have a baby, you see, and she's faxed them this sneak peek. When it finishes printing, each member of the family uses an adjective to describe the baby. Janine chooses "compressed." It really isn't surprising that I identify way more with Janine than I ever do with Claudia. Claudia is over the moon running around with the picture and exclaiming over how cute and adorable the baby is. Then, after breakfast, where she eats waffles with maple syrup and chases them with three chocolate chip cookies, Claudia shows the ultrasound to her friends as they walk to school. All of them agree that she is the world's cutest fetus. Except Logan, who thinks it's a picture of underwater fungus. Claudia is outraged. I will tell you all a secret. I cannot see anything in ultrasound pictures, ever, even if someone uses mspaint to put in arrows telling me what I am meant to be looking at. As far as I am concerned, there is nothing there, just like in those Magic Eye pictures where you all stare and then someone says they see something and everyone who's in on the joke agrees that yes, they see the exact same thing, honest. I guess Logan wasn't in on the ultrasound joke.

That afternoon, Russ calls and says Peaches is in labor. Claudia excitedly gets her family to all go sit around in the waiting room at the hospital. Her mom does finally ask, "Did Russ say we should come?" and Claudia's all, well, Peaches is having the baby, dumbass, why wouldn't we come, and her mom is all, these things can take hours, dumbass. Anyway Peaches eventually gives birth to a healthy baby girl. Russ announce that they are naming her Lynn, after Claudia's middle name. This seems super odd to me. Then they announce that it is too late at night so they will have to see Peaches and the baby the next day. This makes the hours of sitting in the waiting room seem even more pointless. And it is only the time that is mentioned as a factor, not, say, Peaches just delivered a baby and can't deal with you people right now. Claudia wants to call all her friends and tell them about the baby, but it's 10:45, so her parents make her wait until morning. This is the last reasonably sane thing her parents will do with regards to Claudia and her Baby Lynn excitement.

Claudia rushes to the hospital immediately after school and meets the baby. Russ and Peaches announce that they would like Claudia to be the baby's godmother. This seems super odd to me, even moreso than naming her after their 13-year old niece. I wonder how Claudia's parents feel about all of this. I wonder how Janine feels. Claudia does ask Janine if she feels left out because she's Lynn's oldest cousin but Janine smiles and says that Claudia and Peaches have a special relationship and Claudia deserves this. I love Janine. I know I say this all the time but I do.

The Kishis hold a welcome home party for Lynn on the Saturday she comes home from the hospital. Just before Peaches, Russ, and Lynn get there, Claudia realizes her camera is out of film, so her dad rushes her to the drugstore where she buys three rolls. Ah, 1996. The rest of the family leaves after a short time, but Claudia stays until 7:30 pm. Her mom is a little annoyed with her for staying so long. The next morning, which is a Sunday, Claudia shows up at Russ and Peaches' house at 8 damn o'clock in the morning. She ruins their coffee maker, then stays the entire day until after dinner, and completely tries to take over on Lynn's care and tell Peaches how to burp her and stuff. She keeps going over every single day and staying forever. On Thursday, which is the day before Claudia is to go on a school trip, Peaches blows up at her after Claudia shows up with some new brand of formula she wants Peaches to try and a different kind of baby wipe. I didn't read this book till about a year and a half ago, but I think even if I'd read it at the target age I'd have sided with Peaches.

Claudia goes on her trip and is kind of a bitch toward this girl Melissa who wants to be friends with Claudia and follows her, Stacey, and Abby around. Claudia is really judgmental when Melissa doesn't want to hang with her roommate Lily, who seems perfectly nice, and I wonder why Claudia gives a rat's ass who Melissa hangs out with. Lily might be the nicest person ever, but that doesn't mean that Melissa will necessarily get along with her or want to be friends. Claudia and Melissa sneak off during a chaperoned museum trip and get lost and get in a lot of trouble, which doesn't stop Claudia from suggesting that she and Stacey and Abby sneak out of their hotel later that night to go to a diner. On the way home, Melissa apologizes to Claudia and says that she just thinks Claudia is cool and wanted to be her friend but she realizes she was being kind of a pest. Claudia accepts the apology and then realizes that she was being a pest to Peaches. When she gets home she and Peaches have a talk and Claudia promises to call before she comes over and not come over every day, and the book ends with Lynn being christened at a church and Claudia becoming her godmother (still weird) and one of Russ's friends becoming her godfather (not weird).

The subplot in this one is that the Arnold twins watch a horror movie and have nightmares and are afraid, but then they watch a documentary on how the special effects were done and aren't afraid anymore, and they make their own movie with Kristy when she babysits them. After they watch the documentary they of course ask whoever was sitting for them that day (maybe Mary Anne but I hate this subplot and the Arnold twins so I skimmed those chapters) a bunch of questions about how special effects were done in the Wizard of Oz. Because it wouldn't be Stoneybrook if they cared about any movies made less than 50 years ago.