#49, Claudia and the Genius of Elm Street

I can't believe I haven't done a Claudia book yet. Not only do I love Claudia and her crazy art projects, but when you read the books she narrates, it cuts way down on your chances of having to read her handwriting in a notebook entry. And this one has my favorite Claudia art project of all. The junk food paintings.

The book starts out with Claudia watching a documentary on Andy Warhol.  While watching it, she gets the idea to do a series of paintings of junk food. She's so excited that she doesn't even finish watching the documentary. Luckily, before she got distracted with her new art project, she took the time to describe her outfit for us.

That afternoon, for instance, I was wearing a man's paisley vest I'd found at a yard sale, over a striped button-down shirt with tuxedo-stripe black Spandex stirrup pants, held up with pink-flecked black suspenders. My hair was pulled straight back with a paisley comb, and I was wearing electric-pink ankle boots. The boots really set off the formality of the rest of the outfit, sort of like the punchline of a joke. I think you can tell a lot about people from the way they dress. If you saw me, you might think: artistic, fun-loving, good sense of humor. At least I hope you'd think that.

Or I might think: homeless, lost a bet, where does one even buy tuxedo-striped spandex? So, you know. That's pretty much the same, right? Oh also guys Janine is smart so she has a page-boy haircut and wears plain skirts and blouses all the time because I guess that's what smart people were wearing in November of 1991 when this book was published. I'm surprised Janine doesn't have a monocle or ink-stained fingers from her fountain pen or something.

Unfortunately this is one of the books where the baby-sitting isn't relegated to one or two chapters. The club has a new client, Ginger Wilder, whose daughter Mary Rose, aka Rosie, is 7 and in the third grade. Mrs. Wilder's mother is ill with the flu and a broken ankle and shingles, and has to be looked after so Ginger needs a regular sitter for Rosie for about a month. Our lucky Claudia gets the job. When Claudia explains to the others at the meeting that Mrs. Wilder's mother has shingles, nobody seems to know what that is, except Mary Anne, who announces that her grandfather had shingles and it's a disease that old people get. Richard's dad died when Mary Anne was six, and she didn't see her maternal grandfather between the time she was a year and a half old and when he passed away, so apparently she has a hell of a memory. I was always annoyed when I read that line about it being a disease old people get, too, because while people over 65 have a much higher incidence of shingles, the only actual requirement to having shingles is that you've had chicken pox. Having a high stress level ups your risk of getting it, too. I know this because one year when I was still in elementary school I got so worked up and excited about my upcoming birthday party that I got shingles.

When Claudia goes to the Wilder house, she is impressed with their sound system, and even more impressed when she realizes it isn't a sound system at all but Rosie playing the piano. It turns out that Rosie's parents have her in all sorts of lessons. Voice, piano, dance, violin, the advanced reader's group at the library, and more. Rosie is a talented kid who excels at most of the things she tries, and she's been in several commercials. At the first sitting job Claudia has for her, Rosie comes off as unfriendly and a little rude, and Claudia feels like a dunce when she sees how talented Rosie is. I can't imagine that feeling like a dunce is a new situation for Claudia to find herself in. Claudia takes Rosie for a walk and leaves a note in case her mother comes home early. Rosie corrects her spelling. This makes me happier than it probably should.

The next time Claudia sits, Rosie's mom has left a note. Claudia says to Rosie, "Your mom says there's tuna salad," to which Rosie responds, "I can read."

I fucking love this kid.

Claudia is unable to help Rosie with her third-grade science homework, so she calls Janine over to do it. Rosie isn't very friendly to Janine either. There's no chattering or getting to know each other beyond just the homework. And I guess my question is, so what? It's not like a 7 year old and a 16 year old should be BFFs. Rosie is just trying to get the homework done, so she's asking Janine questions about the homework.

Here's the cover depiction of the scene. The free baby-sitter bookmark is long gone from the inside of my book, so I can't collect them all.

Rosie is rehearsing for an audition, and she gives Claudia a little speech. "You don't know, Claudia. When you go to an audition, you're up against dozens of other kids with just as much talent as you. Not only do you have to be perfect, but you have to bring a special something to it. Something that sets you apart. And the only way you can do that is by rehearsing." Rosie's voice and tap teachers come over to give her a lesson for an hour, and Claudia almost feels sorry for Rosie because they're both yelling out directions to her and she thinks they're going overboard. I can't really get too worked up about it. It's not like Rosie is upset. She doesn't want to embarrass herself at her audition or anything.

Stacey is the next BSC member to sit for Rosie. She has to pick up Rosie from school and walk her home. She sees and hears Rosie talking to some girls in her class, and it sounds like the girls don't much care for Rosie. Back at the Wilder house, Uncle Dandy, who is starting a new variety show, is coming over along with Rosie's agent so Rosie can audition. She plays the piano and violin, dances, and performs a scene from a soap opera, and Stacey has to read the part of her father, and apparently it's really embarrassing for Stacey for some reason. I mean not just the part where Stacey drops the script and steps on it and rips it, but the very idea of reading the lines so that Rosie can do her prepared piece is horrendously embarrassing.

Claudia is working on the first of her junk food paintings when it's time for the next BSC meeting, and Kristy sees them and really likes them. They make her laugh and she suggests that Claudia have a show and invite people to view them. Claudia loves the idea and the rest of the club agrees to help her clean the garage so she can have her show there.

Jessi is the next to baby-sit for Rosie. First Rosie shows Jessi a video of all five of the commercials that Rosie has been in. She describes the acting techniques she used, like when she had to pretend to see gremlins that would later be added in. It sounds interesting, but the book makes it sound like Rosie is being a total bore, even though Jessi was the one who asked about the commercials in the first place. Then Jessi tries to talk to Rosie about ballet, but Rosie doesn't want to talk about dance, and wants to do practice crosswords for the all-school crossword competition she's going to be in. Jessi wonders if Rosie doesn't want to talk about dance because she's afraid Jessi will show her up, but Rosie has no way of knowing that Jessi is the Best Eleven Year Old Dancer In The Universe, so I don't know why she'd have any idea that Jessi would "show her up." It's like all these sitters are just threatened by Rosie and annoyed by her so they've decided that everything she does is annoying. And yeah, there are some lines in the book where it's clear that Rosie lacks social skills, but it strikes me as counterproductive to ask a kid about the commercials she's been in, get annoyed when she tells you the details of acting in them, and then get more annoyed when she won't talk about the subject you want to talk about. If Rosie had talked to Jessi about dance and mentioned having been in productions or recitals, Jessi probably would have gotten annoyed at her for that, too. Jessi is shit at helping with crosswords so she calls Janine to come over and help Rosie. Janine doesn't mind, but Rosie is kind of obnoxious toward her, getting frustrated when Janine doesn't instantly know the answer to every crossword clue. Then when Janine leaves, Rosie yells that she only wants Claudia to sit for her from now on because she likes Claudia best. Jessi is surprised but thinks they can work it out.

The club comes over to make invitations to Claudia's show and clean her garage to get ready for the show. They're complaining because cleaning garages isn't honestly all that fun, which pisses Claudia off because if you're having such a terrible time why don't you go home? But Stacey points out that every project starts with less fun stuff and there's no law that you have to like everything you do. This makes Claudia think of Rosie, with her talents and her pasted on smile while tap dancing, and she starts to think that maybe Rosie doesn't like all of the things she does.

Claudia baby-sits for Rosie. She is working on one of her junk food sketches while Rosie does crosswords, but after a while Rosie starts drawing too, and Claudia is surprised that Rosie is quite good, and that she seems more relaxed while drawing than she does while playing the piano. When her dad gets home, though, Rosie quickly hides her sketch. This is the first place in the book where it actually says that Rosie "scowls" while playing the piano or violin, I'm just sayin'. Also I know more than one person who looks angry while concentrating on something even if they're perfectly happy.

Claudia goes with Rosie and her parents to the Uncle Dandy taping. A woman with a beehive hairdo directs them where to go. More people need to wear beehives nowadays.  Apparently the Uncle Dandy show is incredibly cheesy. Two of the letters spelling out UNCLE DANDY'S STAR MACHINE are burnt out so it says UNCLE ANDY'S TAR MACHINE. This is the first taping. The premiere show. Someone got fired for that, I bet. Rosie does a great job playing the piano, but on the ride home afterward, she doesn't want to talk to Claudia about it. Claudia says it's as though Rosie has completed a semi-interesting chore and wants to move on to the next thing. I don't really know why Claudia thinks Rosie will be a big chatterbox about playing the piano on the Uncle Dandy show. It's not like Rosie's been big into talking to people for the entire rest of the book. Rosie wants ice cream, but her parents tell her no, and Rosie throws a tantrum. Her mother tells her that performers need to have discipline and Rosie screams that she's a kid, not a performer, and she wants to have ice cream like a normal kid.

The next day Claudia and Mary Anne go to the crossword puzzle competition at the elementary school. Because crossword puzzle competition in the auditorium after school with a bunch of kids staying to watch, that's a thing, right? Anyway the kids are assholes toward Rosie and yell mean things, and even though Rosie wins the competition, she cries on the way home because nobody likes her and she doesn't know why. She just tries to do her best but the other kids make fun of her for it. That may be why I identify with the Rosie character so much. When they get home she and Claudia draw and it cheers Rosie up considerably, but when her parents get home they aren't happy that she's drawing instead of getting ready for her lesson. Rosie shrieks at them and runs to her room, and Claudia tries to explain to them that Rosie is actually super good at art. That makes her parents start to talk about things they can do like sign Rosie up for classes or private lessons, and Claudia thinks they'll suck all the fun out of art for Rosie. She suggests that Rosie can put a couple of her sketches into Claud's art show to get some "exposure." Then she tells Rosie to have a talk with her parents about what she wants to do and what she doesn't, because clearly pushy showbiz parents will be completely convinced by one talk with their 7 year old and won't in any way suggest that Rosie has to keep doing the things she does because she will regret it when she's older if she gives them up.

The art show goes very well, except for Alan Gray coming by. First he hangs up a few of his own crude drawings: a dead cat lying next to a candy wrapper, and a toothless man eating a candy bar. Claudia rips them down and kicks him out, and then he puts bits of chewed gum all over the garage floor. But otherwise it's a roaring success and Claudia sells two paintings. One to Kristy's stepdad and one to Ms. Besser, who teaches at SES. Later, Janine buys a painting also. Janine is a pretty awesome sister, really, and very supportive of Claudia.

Claudia babysits for Rosie again and discovers that Rosie has had a talk with her parents and is going to drop most of her activities. She told them she wanted to do one school thing, one performance thing, and one creative thing, and picked math club, violin, and art classes. And apparently her parents were totally cool with this. And this is why this book is stupid, because in the beginning, there's no real clue that Rosie feels over scheduled at all, and at the end, it's all wrapped up with one chat with her folks even though they weren't even willing to buy her an ice cream cone after a performance like 50 pages ago.