#125, Mary Anne in the Middle

I know, you're all thinking, great, a later series book. Nobody remembers the high numbered books because the people who'd been reading since the beginning were too old for them and the people who started reading later were still starting at the beginning of the series. Plus they tend to be terrible somewhat different in style than the early books. This book in particular is just awful. It's allegedly about Mary Anne, but the entire plot is about Mallory and Jessi. I always liked Mary Anne so it bums me out that the whole book is Mallory and Jessi and we don't get any of Mary Anne having dinner with her family or hanging with Kristy or Claudia or something.

The book starts out with Mary Anne babysitting the Pike kids with Mallory. Mrs. Pike has taken a temporary job for plot purposes for a little extra money during the holiday season so they babysit the Pike kids basically constantly. Mallory is anxious to find out whether she has been accepted to Riverbend, a boarding school she has applied to because the kids at school are teasing her and making life miserable. But even if she is accepted, she isn't sure yet whether she should go, so she hasn't discussed it much with the younger kids in her family.

Meeting time, and Mary Anne partially describes Claudia's outfit for us. I mean, I assume Claudia is also wearing pants and it is a partial description. It could just be a really long shirt.

Lately she's been working with colorful polymer clays and incorporating her creations into all her outfits. The shirt she was wearing that day was one she had tie-dyed and then cut into fringe around the bottom. At the end of each fringe was a polymer clay bead she'd made. Her earrings and necklace featured more of the same beads, and so did the barrette holding back her long, silky black hair.

 I have made Claudia's lovely beaded outfit for you in Neopets form. You just kind of have to imagine the beads on the fringe of her lovely tie-dyed outfit. I had a hard time deciding on the shoes, because at this point in the books, Claudia wore Doc Martens a lot, but I always kind of picture her in strappy silver sandals that lace around her leg because she wore those in every book for like six years one single eighth grade year and half of seventh grade.

Kristy asks Mallory if she's heard from Riverbend and that she needs to let them know if she decides to go so they can replace her in the club. Really, your friend might move away and you're talking about replacing her right in front of her? I don't know how bursts-into-tears-all-the-time Mary Anne can be such good friends with Kristy without getting her feelings hurt every other page. I don't imagine that Kristy has much patience for trying to coax someone into feeling better. I think Mary Anne's crying would just piss her off.

The next day Mary Anne is meeting Mallory at her locker after school. She sees that someone has written "SPAZ GIRL" on the locker and tries to scrub it off, but is unable to do so before Mallory sees it. As they walk, Mallory tells Mary Anne how unbearable she finds SMS and how much she liked her visit to Riverbend. Mary Anne realizes that Riverbend might be the best choice for Mallory.

They arrive at the elementary school and Mallory's siblings come out. The book tells us that Claire usually goes to morning kindergarten but for the duration of Mrs. Pike's job she goes to the afternoon class as well. This pisses me off so much every time I read it. It makes no sense that the school would just be like "sure, we'll put your child in a second class every day for three weeks or however long this stupid book your job lasts!" Just say it's all day kindergarten and nobody will even think twice about it. By the fall of 1998, which is the year this book was published, over half of all kindergarten students attended full day programs. It makes a lot more sense than utilizing a second half-day kindergarten class for three weeks in lieu of daycare.

They bring the gross Pike kids home and feed them chocolate milk and peanut butter "slathered" on Saltines. Objectively I don't really mind any of those foods but the Pikes still gross me out. The mail comes and Mallory gets an acceptance letter from Riverbend. They are offering her a full scholarship, probably so she can head up their fledgling baby-sitting program for the teachers' kids. Or because she is the best eleven year old writer in the whole world, because you know, the BSC is the best at everything they try. The kids are upset when they realize that if Mallory goes to boarding school, she will board there and no longer live at home. Then Mallory calls Jessi to tell her she got accepted and surprisingly, Mallory's best friend is not super stoked that she might be moving away. You know, because she's eleven. And she's going to miss her best friend. Mallory is like "omg what a bitch" because she's eleven. And she's only thinking about her own excitement.

The next day Mary Anne is babysitting the Pikes but with Jessi instead of Mallory. They go to the Pike house and prepare an unnamed snack that makes Adam say, "Gross!" and get out a package of cookies instead. The mind boggles at the existence of a snack that grosses a Pike child out. Jessi spends the sitting job bitching about how Mallory is just running away from her problems and abandoning her family. Then when Mallory gets home she and Jessi have a brief argument and Jessi storms out.

Here is the cover. I don't know whose house they are meant to be in but I doubt it is the gross Pikes' house. As you can see, Mary Anne is standing between Jessi and Mallory, because fuck this book, it's supposed to be about Mary Anne but none of it is. She has one phone conversation with Dawn and other than that she interacts with no one in her family. She doesn't even call her husband boyfriend Logan and rehash Mallory and Jessi's stupid drama, much less go on a date with him.

The next day Mallory tells Mary Anne that she has officially decided to go to Riverbend. Her siblings are acting cold and ignoring her, because their feelings are hurt. Then they go to a club meeting and Mallory announces her decision. Jessi can tell by Mary Anne's reaction that Mallory told her already and her feelings are very badly hurt, even though she and Mallory weren't exactly getting along. Jessi runs out of the club meeting. Then Mrs. DeWitt calls and needs two sitters so Mary Anne sneakily assigns Jessi and Mallory the job together. Because that's what professional sitters do, is send feuding people to someone's house to fight in front of their children.

Mallory's siblings are still mad at her except for Claire who is hanging all over her. Nicky wonders if their parents will have another kid to replace Mallory, because there are only seven of them now. I know eleven is pretty young for Mallory to be going away, but was Nicky planning to have everyone go to Stoneybrook Community College and then live at home forever?  After the job Mary Anne talks to Jessi who is still upset with Mallory, she feels like Mallory made up her mind the first time she visited the school and has been shutting her out ever since then.

By the time Mallory arrives for the job at the Barret/DeWitt house Jessi has told the kids that Mallory is moving away. Mallory is like wtf, and Jessi has a pretty amusing comeback. "Oh, I forgot, this is top secret," Jessi replied snippily. "Only Mary Anne is supposed to know." The DeWitt adults have scheduled this babysitting session so they can go to Bellair's and look at new furniture. Hey, guys? You have seven children under the age of nine. My suggestion is to not buy brand new furniture. Jessi has brought clay for the children to make Kwanzaa decorations, but when Mallory tells the four-year-old that she can make a snowman if she wants, Jessi freaks out on her and says she has to make Kwanzaa things and says, "I brought the clay. I'll be the one to say how she can use it." This is a very good example to set for a bunch of children. By the end of the sitting job Mallory and Jessi hate each other even more and both call Mary Anne to bitch at her for making them sit together without warning. Which is reasonable.

Jessi is having a sleepover at her house because a couple of her Dance NY friends are visiting. She had invited everyone in the BSC before the whole situation blew up, but for some reason Mary Anne manipulates Mallory into coming anyway, even though Mallory knows she's not wanted and Jessi greets her at the door with, "What are you doing here?" Mary Anne should probably have stayed out of this, because Mallory is chatting to one of Jessi's dance friends and Jessi overhears Maritza say "She'll get over it" and is upset that Mallory is talking about her and trying to turn her friends against her. Mallory leaves the sleepover, which, again, she knew in the first place that she probably shouldn't go.

The subplot in this book is that they are making homemade holiday decorations for Stoneybrook Manor, for the old people to enjoy. Abby babysits the Hobart boys and explains Hanukkah to them and they make a felt banner. Mallory, Mary Anne, and the Pike kids make styrofoam ornament balls, and the Pikes also make construction paper chains. Jessi makes the aforementioned Kwanzaa decorations with the Barrett/DeWitt kids. Then they have a party at the manor for all the residents. They make a group of four-year olds sing the Beatles' "Here Comes The Sun" in honor of the winter solstice. Reading about the party is boring, much like Mallory. Maybe that's why books with a Mallory focus always get the nursing home subplots. Because last time we had a shindig at the manor was when Mallory was laid up with mono, if you recall.

At the next club meeting they are trying to think of someone to replace Mallory, and decide that maybe they won't replace her, and Mallory feels bad because she "means so little" that they don't even need to replace her. Which was not exactly what they meant but come ON, there's not a good reason to directly discuss replacing your friend right in front of her. Then Mallory and Jessi both bitch to Mary Anne about each other and GODDAMMIT WHY DOES THIS BOOK STILL HAVE PAGES? WHY CAN'T IT BE OVER. You know what, that's it. I'm done with this book. I don't care if Mallory and Jessi make up and I don't care if it makes me a bad blogger, I cannot slog through another fucking page. I am going to make up my own ending.

Mary Anne is woken up very early by a phone call from Jessi, who is hysterical. Something has gone wrong at the Pike house. The entire club goes to look, in time to see Mrs. Pike being led away in handcuffs. Apparently she had been stealing like crazy from her seasonal job and has been tied to a rash of break-ins in Kristy's neighborhood. Mr. Pike, distraught, announces that most of the children will be sent to stay with relatives. The triplets will stay with him because nobody wants them, Mallory will go to boarding school, Claire and Margo will live with an aunt, Vanessa is to stay with a grandparent, and Nicky will live with Uncle Joe at Stoneybrook Manor. Jessi realizes that by fighting with Mallory, she will be missing out on her last chance to see her again. She hugs Mallory tightly as the rest of the Pike children huddle around them, sobbing, except for Byron the fatty triplet who is eating fried bologna and dipping it in leftover chocolate pudding.