LS #76, Karen's Magic Garden

This book has a plot that is really obviously something that is happening in a book. I don't know if that makes any sense, but that's how it comes across. Sometimes Karen has realistic adventures, like breaking her wrist roller-skating, and sometimes, well, there are books like these.

It is an ex-library copy, but the front cover isn't in too bad of shape. There are due date stamps and random crap on the back cover though.

Mommy's family is totally having a family reunion, and they will be traveling to Maine, which is apparently where Lisa grew up. In this book we discover that Mommy's parents have moved to Maine. At least that explains why they never show up in any book after Karen's Witch (Grandma Packett is at the gardening club meeting that Karen and Hannie crash to accuse everyone of being witches). The family will be going up four days before the reunion and staying with Lisa's Aunt Carol and Uncle John, who of course have a big sprawling manor that can easily accommodate houseguests. Lots of Lisa's relatives will be there, most of them one-book characters whose names are unimportant. The ones who will show up again are Lisa's sister Ellen, her husband Mark, and their kids Diana and Kelsey, who are seven and four like Karen and Andrew. This book is the first time Karen and Diana ever meet. In fact, Karen is a little surprised that she even has a cousin her own age. I find this endlessly fascinating, because Lisa and Ellen seem to get along just fine once they're in the same room. I wonder if they had a falling out and that's why their kids have never met. Maybe they really don't get along, but since the book is from a kid's perspective you don't see it. Maybe life just carried them in different directions and before they knew what happened, seven years had passed. Lisa's parents used to live in Stoneybrook, remember. Did Ellen not get along with her parents, so that she never visited for any holidays or anything? I may end up writing some fanfiction about it, because there are so many possibilities.

Traveling to Maine by car takes up a chapter and a half where Karen whines about being bored and how it's annoying to have to use one's indoor voice in the car.  Also they stop for fast food and Andrew gets a "cool eraser" in his Junior Meal and Karen gets a ruler, and they amuse themselves with those for a while. And I mean I know you wouldn't want licensed characters or anything, and I should just be glad that they didn't get Wizard of Oz toys, but random school supplies sounds like the lamest kid meals ever.

When they arrive at Great-Aunt Carol and Great-Uncle John's house, Karen and Diana meet, and are instant besties, because Diana is also loud and full of energy. Andrew and Kelsey also hit it off when Kelsey reveals that she has a pet frog named Prince Caliber. The kids (there are like six more of varying ages but who cares) are going to sleep on a screened in porch in sleeping bags. This is the most exciting thing that ever happened. The next day Karen and Diana explore the grounds (and this place is freaking gigantic) and find a vegetable garden, a little gazebo, and more. The adults are all working on a big family tree and trying to fill in names and pictures on it. Then they all go out to eat and Andrew has fried clams which he loves but Karen doesn't like. The next morning when the kids wake up it is raining.

This right here is where the book goes from something that could happen into completely obviously something that would only happen in a book territory, FYI. The kids decide to explore the house, and one of the 12-year olds leads them up into the attic where there are trunks of old clothes and boxes of old toys, because that's what people in BSC books keep in their attics. Nobody just has holiday decorations and maybe some boxes of college memorabilia surrounded by itchy insulation. They have fully finished attics with old as hell clothing that their kids can just try on when it rains. And nobody in BSC land cares if kids unpack boxes and strew the contents about, either. Karen and Diana find some diaries and take them downstairs to read them. They were written by a long ago ancestor named Annemarie, who was nine years old in 1892. Her cousin Polly was visiting, and Annemarie showed Polly the "magic garden" and then Polly's mother died and they made memory boxes to open together the next summer. Karen and Diana are captivated because Annemarie and Polly were "twin cousins" just like them. They don't know what the hell the talk about the magic garden is, though. It doesn't mean the vegetable garden, because that is referenced elsewhere in these apparently quite detailed diaries.

When the rain stops Karen and Diana get permission to go outside again and look for the magic garden, and they find it. Karen says it's not big, but it's surrounded by brick walls and has at least three benches, a fountain, and two statues in it. They run to get the adults and show them, and Great-Aunt Carol announces that she never knew this was here.

HOW THE GODDAMN HELL DO YOU NOT KNOW THERE IS A WALLED IN GARDEN CONTAINING A FOUNTAIN, BENCHES, AND STATUARY ON YOUR PROPERTY?! HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?

I mean let's say that during the Great Depression, the gardener had to be let go because even such a grand estate couldn't afford to keep him on. There would still have to be someone maintaining the lawns at least a little bit, right? Because otherwise the whole property would be overgrown and probably filled with creepy critters, right? And the vegetable garden is still in use, and the gazebo. How did an entire walled in garden get forgotten?

Anyway the kids and adults work together to clean up the garden, which is overgrown, but clearly next spring/summer there will be roses and various other things that they see evidence of.  Karen and Diana make secret wishes, and Karen's comes true. She wished to have a picnic on the beach like Mommy used to when she was little, and that's exactly what they do. Then Aunt Ellen gives Diana a bracelet that was packed in the wrong suitcase by mistake, and it turns out that finding the bracelet was Diana's wish.

The next day there is work to be done with getting ready for the main part of the reunion, and the next day is the big family reunion. Tons more aunts, uncles, and cousins come, and they wear matching T-shirts and play games and eat. Karen and Diana both eat way too much and get stomachaches.

This makes sense because I know that I, too, am helpless to resist when faced with bowls heaped with delicious scribbles.  Heck sometimes I even go back for seconds on scribbles.

All the relatives who come have brought pictures to fill in the family tree the adults were working on, and after they all leave, there is only one blank spot, where Polly's mother's picture should be. The next day Karen and Diana go back into the attic and of course they find more journals. They were written by Annemarie again, ten years later. It turns out that she and Polly never saw each other again. Karen and Diana realize that the memory boxes may still be in the garden. Of course they find them behind some loose bricks. There are lockets and some other crap in the boxes, and in Polly's is a picture labeled "Mama". When the girls show the boxes to the adults, Great-Aunt Carol ceremoniously takes the ONLY DAMN SURVIVING PHOTOGRAPH OF POLLY'S MOTHER AND GLUES IT ONTO THE FAMILY TREE. The archivist in me cringes every time I read that paragraph. Then Karen and Diana get to keep the rest of the crap from the boxes, and they make new boxes and hide the to hopefully open the next summer when they hope to return to Maine, even though this is the first time either of their families have been there in at least seven years.

So yeah. That's this book. It is not very realistic. Thankfully the RNG realized I would need a break after this one, because it rolled up The Truth About Stacey next, and I love that book, so yay.

#42, Jessi and the Dance School Phantom

This is probably my favorite Jessi book. I know a lot of people think Jessi has the most boring books, but I always liked them well enough. I think part of it is that her family seemed like nice, regular people who enjoyed each other's company.

The book opens up with Jessi auditioning for the lead role in her ballet school's production of Sleeping Beauty. Since Jessi is the best 11-year old ballerina in the world, she obviously gets the lead role. Daddy is really excited for her and he buys ice cream for dessert to celebrate her accomplishment, but Jessi only eats a tiny bit of it, because she has to watch what she eats so she won't get fat. Being fat is the Worst Thing in Baby-Sitters Club land, like that part in Winter Vacation (Super Special #3) where some boys on the bus are singing a mean song about a fat girl, and not only is this presented as a normal thing to do, the next sentence is a snotty line about how the song didn't stop the girl from eating three Snickers bars on the ride home. So clearly Jessi does not want to get fat.

On the first day of rehearsals, Jessi's toe shoes disappear from her bag and she has to go in without them. It is completely embarrassing for her and makes it impossible for the rehearsal to go on. When they go back into the dressing room, the toe shoes have magically reappeared in Jessi's bag, which aside from being confusing is also pretty embarrassing. And then after the rehearsal when they go to change, there is a slip of paper with the word BEWARE written on it.

The next rehearsal, Jessi brings a whole spare outfit, to avoid a repeat. Then she works her ass off to show Mme Noelle that she is serious about working hard and the toe shoe thing was just a fluke. When she goes in to change after rehearsal, though, her spare outfit is missing from her bag and there is another note, written in red letters, that says WATCH YOUR STEP.

Jessi spends her baby-sitting money to buy a whole new dance outfit, and a new dance bag that she can lock. This is one of the things I always remember about this book, the locking dance bag. The rehearsal goes well at first, but then Jessi botches the landing on a tour jeté and twists her ankle badly. She won't be able to dance for several days. The worst part is it turns out she wasn't even supposed to be performing that particular move. She hadn't heard what Madame said, and one of the other girls in her dance class had given her the wrong instruction. When Jessi goes in to change, she finds another threatening note. This one says TOLD YOU SO. FROM NOW ON, WATCH OUT. Then she has to sit out one rehearsal, and after that one, finds a note that says IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE. TOO BAD IT WASN'T.

Jessi talks to her friends, and they suggest they come watch the next rehearsal. The rehearsal is going to be in the auditorium, and Jessi thinks that if they sit in the back maybe no one will notice their presence. This seems extremely unlikely to me, because while the back of the theater will be dim if the house lights are off I doubt it'd be pitch black enough that they wouldn't be spotted at all, and secondly a group of middle school girls is not exactly the quietest thing in the world, but this is BSC land. Charlie drives them all to the auditorium. This is the other part of the book I always remember, because his car doesn't even have enough seat belts for all the girls, and some of them are sitting on each other's laps, and I don't know why their parents allow it, and then I also wonder what Charlie is going to do in Stamford for the time the girls are watching the rehearsal until he has to pick them up again. Maybe hang out at the mall or get a bite to eat I guess. Why doesn't Charlie have anything better to do on a Saturday?

Jessi's friends manage to hide in the theater seats. Jessi can't even spot them when she looks for them. This despite the fact that Dawn has brought a tiny flashlight to take notes with. If you're on a stage looking out into a dark auditorium you'd probably notice a flashlight beam, I'm just saying. On the ride home, the girls talk it over and come up with a short list of suspects in Jessi's class. At no time does the idea of telling an adult come up, even though Jessi has received threats and hurt her ankle.

Jessi's stolen leotard is returned to her dance bag, cut to shreds. To me this is the creepiest part of the book. There is a lot of hatred involved in stealing something, destroying it, and returning it so the victim knows exactly what you did. She gets some more notes. She gets shoved into some wet paint. She almost gets taken out by a piece of falling scenery. She has also eliminated two of the three suspects on the BSC list and is left only with a girl named Hilary.

There is a bit where Jessi is helping Aunt Cecelia with the dishes and has an idea about how to expose Hilary and she exclaims out loud. Aunt Cecelia asks her what's going on and Jessi says nothing, because she hasn't told her aunt or parents about all the danger so as not to worry them. I personally think this is the exact wrong kind of message to send to kids reading these books. If someone is sending you threats and almost knocking you out with scenery and destroying your possessions, tell an adult. Don't leave it all to  your group of middle school friends.

Jessi gets Hilary to incriminate herself by asking her to make a sign about a wet floor, which Hilary obligingly does with the red calligraphy pen she has been using to write the threatening notes. Hilary is not a winner in the brains department obviously. Hilary has been trying to scare Jessi because Hilary's very pushy mother is upset that she didn't get the lead. Hilary is very upset to be caught and begs Jessi not to tell Mme Noelle. She'll stop doing nasty things and she'll pay Jessi back for the leotard she ruined. Jessi agrees to this. Jessi is not a winner in the brains department this day either.

Opening night! All of Jessi's friends come to see her dance.

Claudia looked extremely cool and exotic, as usual. Her hair was braided with silver ribbons, and she wore a shimmery dark blue minidress. On her feet were silver sandals, with laces up the calves -- kind of like toe shoes.

Jessi dances and the show goes extremely well, and she gets roses from her family and friends. Hilary announces that she is quitting dance.

The subplot in this book is that the BSC is having a pet show for the kids they sit for. At first they're worried because it is causing some conflict among the kids, especially siblings who don't want to share pets, and kids who are bragging that their pet is the sure winner. Becca is worried because their family pet is a hamster and she's sure Misty won't win anything because she's not a cat or dog. At the very end of the book, Jessi comes up with the totally obvious brilliant idea that each kid who enters should get a prize. The pet show is a roaring success and none of the kids' pets try to eat each other, which is very realistic. There is a list of some of the prizes they give out and Pow the basset hound wins "shortest legs." Which probably should have been "shortest legs in proportion to size" as there were at least two hamsters entered and I very highly doubt Pow had shorter legs than they did. Misty the hamster wins best overall pet and Becca is very pleased.

LS #92, Karen's Sleigh Ride

This is another one I got toward the end of just trying to finish up my collection and have only read once, but I did actually remember one of the plot points.

This book starts out with Karen, Hannie, Andrew, and Emily making Christmas crafts at the big house. Karen and Andrew are spending December there, and even though it's only December 2, the kids are totally excited about all things Christmas, except Emily, who only wants to talk about presents. Karen and Hannie try to teach her some Christmas carols, but they're interrupted when Kristy comes in with some bad news. The Stones' barn has burned down, although luckily none of their animals were hurt. Karen's pretty upset, because she went to farm camp at the Stone farm. (LS#75, Karen's County Fair) Karen offers to share her bedroom with Ollie the lamb if he needs a place to stay, but her family are a bunch of jerks and say no. Then she suggests they could have a barn raising like she saw on TV. Everyone will bring food and spend a day building a new barn. Again, Karen's family are a bunch of jerks who have to ruin her brilliant plan by pointing out that nobody knows how to build barns anymore. Daddy does say he'll call Mr. and Mrs. Stone and offer to help.

It turns out that the Stones were underinsured, and won't have enough to rebuild their barn. Daddy says they might have to sell their animals or move to a smaller farm, and everyone is really upset by this, although probably not as upset as Mr. and Mrs. Stone. Karen and Kristy go to try and think up ways to help, and Emily comes in and starts trying to get into Kristy's dresser to look for presents. Then Karen comes up with a plan and calls a family meeting. She says everyone but Nannie is there, because Nannie has decided to give Emily a bath. But since Nannie is the only person not present, I guess she'll have to wait for Emily to get out of the meeting to commence the bath.

Karen's brilliant idea is that they can have a winter festival at the Stones' farm. They can have snowman making and ice sculpting contests, skating on the pond, sleigh rides, refreshments, and general merriment. The Stones agree, and they all put in a ton of work to get ready. Karen helps Kristy and some of her friends clean Mary Anne's family's barn to temporarily house the Stones' displaced animals. She informs us that Mary Anne's stepmother feeds them lunch of all natural turkey hot dogs on whole wheat buns, and they are "all right." I guess Karen isn't much for whole grains. Karen also helps Sam and Charlie fix up the Stones' old sleigh to use for the sleigh rides. And she and her classmates make signs about the festival during art class. A lot of other people are volunteering to make refreshments and things. This festival is a lot of work.

There is a meeting and between some funds that have already been raised and the projected outcome of the festival, they will have raised about $5000. Karen thinks this is a lot, but it turns out that it's only about half of what the Stones need to rebuild the barn.

The night of the festival arrives, and tons of people crowd onto the Stone Farm to take part in the action, such as it is. The festival is one of those things that sounds nice in theory but once the people arrive and eat a refreshment I don't really know what they're doing after that. Milling around and making there be too many people in a small space I guess.

Karen, Hannie, and Nancy win second prize in the snowman contest with their snow bunny. Claudia wins third prize. I guess being the best thirteen year old artist only gets you so far when you're competing with Karen Brewer. First prize goes to a contestant who made a snow angel. I know this probably is meant to imply that they did angel wings on their snowman and made a snow halo, but I'm going to just pretend that the winner flopped down and made an actual snow angel. Then they go on a sleigh ride. Then there is a little ceremony where Watson has Karen present a check to the Stones. Karen feels sorry that they couldn't do more, but when Mr. Stone looks at the check it is the exact amount they needed to rebuild the barn.

When they are taking things down and getting ready to go, Karen overhears some people talking. It turns out that they really didn't raise enough, but Watson paid the difference out of his own pocket but didn't really want to make a big public deal out of it. (That's the part of the book I remembered.)

Emily has still been talking about presents the whole book, and she trashes Karen's room looking for presents. Karen yells at her but then remembers that Emily is just little and it's really hard to wait for things when you're little, so she gives Emily a few small presents in the days leading up to Christmas. Little things like a tennis ball with Emily's initials written on it and a barrette Karen doesn't wear anymore. It's really quite thoughtful of Karen. Also, I know I say this a lot, but seriously, how cute is Emily?

LS #47, Karen's Kite

Note: I actually wrote this a long time ago for the BSC snark comm on LJ and forgot I had it, which is why the style is a little different. I lost the book I was working on, so this is kind of a last minute fill-in.

Okay, before we start this book, let's recap everything we already know about Natalie Springer. 1. She snorts when she cries. 2. Her socks always fall down and she has to pull them up all the time. These two things may not seem like a lot, but that is as many character traits as Karen's best friend Nancy (1. She is Jewish. 2. She wants to be an actress.) and two more than Karen's other best friend Hannie (1.[unknown at this time, possibly involves lasers]).

Now that we remember who Natalie is, we can begin! Chapter 1 is titled Flying. Ms. Colman the best teacher who ever lived or ever will live has drawn a bird, a bat, an airplane, a bee, a butterfly, and a kite on the board, and wants the children to guess what they all have in common. The students all think very hard. Hootie the class guinea pig makes guinea pig noises and Karen thinks that maybe he knows the answer. Karen is an idiot. However, she is the first student in the class to realize that all the things on the board can fly. Ms. Colman the best teacher who ever lived or ever will live tells the class that they are going to begin a unit on flight!!! And they will go on field trips!!! Ms. Colman doesn't know why she is cursed to teach second grade to the same students for endless years while none of them age, but she takes advantage of it to plan plenty of field trips.

Chapter 2 is titled Weekends, because this is one of the last books before Karen starts splitting time between her parents evenly. It should be titled Chapter 2. I do not read it.

Chapter 3 is titled Sassy. Sadly it is not about Karen shooting off her mouth. It is about Hank's pet canary, Sassy. Hank's father brings Sassy in and talks to the class about how Sassy flies. Natalie is afraid of Sassy. Karen tells Natalie, “It's okay. He won't hurt you.” Karen has clearly never seen the Alfred Hitchcock documentary The Birds. Also, this is one of the few times I have seen Karen say it's instead of it is. I am confused and a little unsettled.

It is time for the field trip to the airport. The day before, Ms. Colman reminds Karen that she has not turned in her permission slip. The next day, Karen walks in waving her permission slip in the air and yelling that she remembered her lunch money too. Ms. Colman manages to not look too disappointed. You know she wanted Karen to forget her permission slip and have to stay at school all day. Then Ms. Colman announces that everyone should pair up. Karen, Hannie, and Nancy are pissed because they all want to be partners, but then Addie (personality traits: 1. is in a wheelchair 2. sticks stickers on the wheelchair tray all the time) decides to be partners with Nancy. Natalie does not have a partner. Pamela, Leslie, and Jannie are all holding hands. Ms. Colman tells them that one of them will have to be partners with Natalie. They all make it very clear that they don't want to be Natalie's partner. Ms. Colman, the best teacher ever, lets them be total bitches and draw straws. Leslie gets the short straw and has to be partners with Natalie. She is a total bitch about it. Ms. Colman the best teacher ever appears not to care. Karen and Hannie pretend to be Lovely Ladies on the bus. I wonder how much longer this book is.

During the tour of the airport, Karen makes sure to tell us, “In case you did not know it, I flew on a plane once all by myself.” I knew that, actually. I didn't care, but I knew. The partners get to take turns sitting in the cockpit of a real airplane. Leslie is a bitch to Natalie some more. Karen thinks about sitting by Natalie at lunch, but Natalie takes a long time to pick her food, and in Karen's world, thinking about sitting by someone doesn't extend to actually saving them a seat. In case you did not know it, Karen is self-centered.

Back at school in between field trips, Ms. Colman informs the class that they will be studying kites, because why the hell not. She's stuck teaching second grade for eternity, and she's always wondered how exactly kites work. The art teacher, Mr. Mackey, brings in kites for the kids to look at. Then he announces that they will each get to make their own kite and they will stay after school on a Friday and have a kite flying competition and spend the night at the school. The kids are all very excited for this. Elementary school me would have been planning a sudden onset of vague stomach pains for that day. Then Mr. Mackey tells them that they will be taking a trip to the kite store before they begin making their kites. He is totally taking over Ms. Colman's job of making Surprising Announcements.

In chapter 7, it is finally the day of the trip to the kite store! Stoneybrook has the most useless stores. Mrs. Moody, who runs the kite shop, announces that the winner of their kite flying competition will get a $25 gift certificate to spend at the kite store. Ms. Colman is going to have to work harder if she wants to regain her supremacy at making Surprising Announcements. Karen is already picking out what she will win with her prize money. Nobody will ever accuse Karen of having low self-esteem.

Chapter 8 is called Natalie's Bad News. As Karen and Andrew return home from a weekend at the Big House, Seth is getting off the phone with Natalie's parents. Apparently Natalie's grandfather has died, and her parents are traveling to his funeral. Normally they would dump Natalie on her relatives, but they are going to the funeral too, so Natalie is going to stay with Karen's family. I guess just taking Natalie with them was never really an option. It makes shit take so much longer at the airport when you have to stop every fifteen feet for your kid to pull up her socks. Plus she'd totally disrupt Grandpa's funeral by snorting while she cried. And really, isn't staying with Karen Brewer the best way to learn about death? Oh, wait, no, that's actually the best way to learn about wishing you were dead, my mistake.

Before Natalie comes over, Lisa has a chat with Karen about being nice to her guest. When Natalie's parents drop her off, Karen informs us that their socks are droopy and their glasses are sliding down their noses. They are all sloppy. Karen is kind of a snot. I am busy trying to figure out how two adults can be wearing socks that droop so obviously that a 7-year old notices. Do they buy all their socks at the odd-lot sock emporium, which is probably located near the kite shop and the steno notebook shop? Anyway, Karen feels pity for Natalie and decides she will do whatever Natalie wants while she's visiting.

At school, all the kids are being nice to Natalie while they work on their kites. Karen makes sure to tell us how great her own kite is, then gives us a couple of bitchy paragraphs about Natalie's. It is the color of a dirty nickel and has old rags for a tail. Karen wonders if Natalie's kite will fly or if it will be too embarrassed to be seen in the sky. At least she doesn't wonder out loud, I guess.

After school Nancy comes over to play, but Natalie takes forever making and eating her snack so they don't actually play. Then Karen complains because Natalie doesn't want to play with Karen's rat and she drips some water on the floor when they're washing up for supper. Not only that, the bitch has the nerve to take the chicken wing Karen wanted and they watch the tv show Natalie likes instead of the one Andrew likes. I don't see why Lisa doesn't toss her out of the house then and there.

The next day, Hannie and Nancy come over to play, and Karen suggests they make little kites and try to fly them, but Natalie wants to try to fly instead. They make cardboard wings and try jumping off the porch, but it's not high enough. Unfortunately Lisa catches them as they are pulling the trash cans over to climb on the roof of the shed. She yells at Karen, who is pissed that Natalie doesn't speak up to say it was her idea.

At school, Karen is pissed that the other kids have the nerve to be nice to Natalie, who is down one grandfather and has to stay with Karen, instead of complimenting Karen's obviously superior kite. Jerks.

After school, Natalie wants to put on swimming suits, fill up the bathtub, and play in it. My friend Jennifer and my sister and I used to do that. But we were apparently smarter than Natalie, because while Karen is digging out bathing suits for the two of them, Natalie is getting into Lisa's “special face cream” and I don't know about you but I wouldn't touch any jar of any cream in Lisa and Seth's house. Anyway by the time Karen gets in there Natalie has let the bathtub overflow and Lisa and Seth have to help them mop up the mess with towels and then Karen gets in trouble for making a mess. Natalie again doesn't mention that it was her fault. What a surprise, stuck in this house for an indeterminate period of time, she doesn't want to piss off the resident adults who she barely knows. Karen bitches at Natalie who informs Karen that it was Karen's fault because she shouldn't have left Natalie alone so long.

The next day Karen is not speaking to Natalie, and she tells the story to all their classmates, then is shocked when they think she should be nice to Natalie and let this one go. I don't know why she's surprised, since “everyone in Karen's class is mad at her” is a pretty common theme in these books, but she is. But the day after THAT is the sleepover at the school, so Karen is too excited to care that everyone hates her.

All the kids get their kites in the air, although Natalie's has to be helped by all the adults. Then they tie the kites to hooks in the ground and whatever kite stays up longest will be the winner of the $25 gift certificate to the kite store! After fifteen minutes, a gust of wind knocks Karen's kite into Natalie's kite, and Natalie's kite falls down. Karen's kite of course regains its footing. Her classmates are all pissed off at her for making Natalie lose. Karen tries to explain that she wasn't even touching the kite because it was anchored to the hook in the ground but nobody cares because Natalie is so upset. The kids watch the kites for a while then have a sleepover at the school. Luckily it is not described in much detail.

In the morning, only two kites are still flying, Karen's and Hank's. We are all surprised as can be when Hank's kite drops and Karen wins the gift certificate. She makes a little speech announcing that she has decided to split the prize with Natalie, because if her kite hadn't knocked Natalie's down, Natalie might have won. She does make sure to give us a couple of sentences assuring us that no fucking way was Natalie's kite going to beat hers, in case we were misled by her speech. Her classmates decide to stop being mad at her, at least until the next book.

The end of the book is wrapped up quickly. We get about a sentence each for Natalie and Karen making up, Natalie's parents coming back, Natalie getting a caterpillar kite with her half of the prize, and Karen deciding to spend her prize on a kite for Andrew, since she has her gigundoly beautiful fish kite that she made all by herself.

LS #114, Karen's Chicken Pox

It's almost Halloween when this book starts, and Karen is sitting in school coloring a picture of a jack-o-lantern. Ms. Colman has purchased a pumpkin that she will carve for the class, and everyone gets to submit one entry and she will pull one out of a hat and carve the jack-o-lantern as shown. I doubt any of you will be surprised to learn that Karen's drawing is the one chosen. Ms. Colman also sends around a sign-up sheet for goodies for the class Halloween party. Karen signs up to bring both a drink and cupcakes. There are eighteen kids in Karen's class. I really hope that each kid is not bringing two treats to the party. Karen tells us that she is bringing "bat cakes" and "witches' brew" and then explains that bat cakes are cupcakes and witches' brew is soda or juice, but later in the book, it's explicitly stated that Elizabeth buys soda to take to the party. Also I don't know why Ms. Colman is having the kids sign up for what they want to bring. Isn't this what room mothers are for, so that they can call around and the parents can volunteer for what they want to bring instead of having their kid sign them up for something they have neither the time nor desire to make?

Karen, Hannie, and Nancy talk about Halloween at recess and want to have coordinating costumes, but they don't decide what to be. So after school, Karen goes to Hannie's house and talks to her and they call Nancy with costume ideas. Then Karen goes home where Nannie has set out a snack for her, but she thinks of more ideas and wants to call Nancy, but Sam is on the phone, so she goes back over to Hannie's house and they call Nancy together. Then she goes back home and eats her snack and wants to call Hannie, but Sam is still on the phone so she goes back over to Hannie's house and they call Nancy again. Then she finally goes home and stays there. This would drive me up the wall if I were Hannie's parent, but none of the adults act annoyed at all. In the end, the girls decide to be farm animals. Karen is going to be a chicken, Hannie a cow, and Nancy a sheep.

It turns out that Sam's been on the phone a ton because he is trying to organize a bake sale because he is the sophomore class president (my reaction: What? Was this mentioned anywhere else EVER?) and they are trying to raise funds to go on a class trip over spring break (my reaction: Isn't  it usually seniors that go on a class trip? Oh well, they've been in the tenth grade for 12 years, let them have their fun.). He's having a really hard time finding people to volunteer to bake, though. Karen asks if it matters who does the baking. She and Nannie are going to make the cupcakes for her class party, and she suggests that the family could help Sam with his bake sale, which everyone else agrees to. Sam is really grateful for the family's help.

There is a super cute chapter where Charlie, Sam, and Karen go to the grocery store to buy ingredients for baking. After they get the basics, the boys want to leave, but Karen thinks the cupcakes will sell better if they look a little more special, so she picks out coconut, chocolate chips, and a couple of other things to decorate the cupcakes with. Sam sees a rack of bandannas and asks Karen if she wants to get one to wear with her chicken costume. After much deliberation she picks a red one.

While Karen, Charlie, and Sam were at the store, Elizabeth had been at the doctor's office with Emily. It turns out that she has the chicken pox. Karen is surprised because she knows that Emily has been vaccinated against chicken pox, as has Karen herself, but Daddy explains that you can still get the disease sometimes anyway. Also it is stated that David Michael, Kristy, and Andrew have all already had chicken pox. I am a little confused as to why Andrew has had the chicken pox but Karen was vaccinated. This book was published in 1999, when the vaccine was still newish (wikipedia tells me it's been available in the U.S. since 1995). So maybe Andrew had the chicken pox while he was living with his mom and stepdad in Chicago and Karen got the vaccine at the same time while living in Stoneybrook? It would be a lot less confusing if the vaccine were just never mentioned but I guess then kids who were reading it these days would just think "Why didn't they get the shot?"

Karen realizes that if Emily got the chicken pox despite the shot, Karen could too, so she asks Daddy if she can go live with Mommy for a while. Daddy says no. Karen decides that her best bet to stay healthy is to stay the hell away from Emily. (Emily, by the way, is absolutely adorable in the illustrations in this book.) It's a little hard for Karen to stay away from Emily because her family keeps asking her to help Emily. They want her to read to Emily, play a game with Emily, read a story to Emily, Daddy even asks her to help give Emily a bath. Seriously, family? Why keep pestering the one person who's not had chicken pox to play with Emily? I'm sure that Emily is cranky anyway and would rather have her parents care for her instead of her big sister. Karen spends the day in her room and pretends to be doing homework, and in the evening she cleans her room and organizes her closet to get out of helping with Emily. She says that her family is a little annoyed with her, but I'm a little annoyed with her family, so it evens out.

On Monday at school Hannie suggests that Karen eat grapefruit with lemon juice on it because "sour stuff kills germs" and Nancy tells Karen to say a magic spell to keep from getting the chicken pox. Karen tries both of their ideas, but she feels sick on Tuesday, and on Wednesday she wakes up with spots.

I would probably be more surprised by this if the title and the cover picture didn't totally give it away. (It might be hard to see in the small size but Karen has pox on her hands and face in the picture.)

Karen is PISSED. Halloween is coming up and she had a ton of shit to do and now she's going to miss it all because of the chicken pox. Also she says that it is humiliating to have a baby disease like chicken pox. Really? Do the kids in Stoneybrook taunt you for getting the wrong diseases now? "Ha ha, you have chicken pox, that's a baby disease!" "Ha ha, you have shingles, that's an old person disease!" "Otto, you have lupus!"

Karen is mad at everyone. She's mad at Emily for getting her sick. She's mad at Hannie and Nancy because the grapefruit and magic spell didn't work. She's mad at Daddy for not letting her go to her mom's until Emily was no longer contagious. Daddy suggests that Karen and Emily can decorate the house for Halloween. When he leaves the room, Karen sticks her tongue out at Emily, but Emily doesn't know Karen is being mean. She tries to scare Emily with a rubber spider, but Emily just laughs. Then Karen spots some candy. She eats some while Emily watches and then puts the bowl up where Emily can't reach it. Finally Karen succeeds in making Emily cry. Daddy scolds her and she goes back in her room and gets back in bed. She stays in bed and feels sorry for herself for the rest of the day. Her family tries to be nice to her but she doesn't want to be cheered up. The icing on the cake (sorry) is that evening, when the family bakes the cupcakes for Sam's bake sale and Karen can't help because she's germy. She can hear them all laughing and having a great time. Poor Karen. Yes, her anger at Emily is a little misguided, but she's going to miss Halloween, which is like the holy grail of holidays for kids.

The next day Karen is feeling a little better. Nannie is trying to help Emily with her Halloween costume. Emily  is throwing a fit because she doesn't want to be a ghost, and Karen realizes that Emily wants to be a goat. Karen had told her about her chicken costume and Hannie's cow costume and Nancy's sheep costume, and Emily wants to dress as an animal just like the big girls. Karen can't stay mad at Emily, and agrees to help her with her costume. She calls her friends and they help give her ideas too, because she's realized it's pointless to be mad at everyone because she is sick.

See? How adorable is Emily?

On Friday, Elizabeth takes the cupcakes and soda in to Karen's class, and after school, Hannie calls with the news that Karen won a prize for her costume. Karen is confused, since she didn't even wear her costume to school, but Hannie explains that she and Nancy drew a picture of Karen in her chicken costume and entered it and they all won a sheet of pumpkin stickers. I assume that Ms. Colman had pumpkin stickers for everybody and just gave out various costume awards. You KNOW Natalie's sheet of stickers had "Participant" written at the top.

Sam's bake sale is a roaring success, too, and he gives Karen a joke book as a thank you gift.

On Sunday, Daddy takes Emily out trick-or-treating in the goat costume Karen helped make. He wears overalls to look like a farmer. Andrew, who is barely in this book, goes trick-or-treating with a school friend and her parents.  Daddy gets home with a bag of candy for Emily and a bag for Karen, and then Karen puts her costume on and Elizabeth takes their picture.

M #32, Claudia and the Mystery in the Painting

Yay a Claudia outfit on page 2! We are starting off strong!

Today I had on navy blue pants with wide legs, red suspenders decorated with big sunbursts, a white T-shirt, and over it all, a huge red-and-white-checked shirt. My earrings were also bright yellow sunbursts that I made to match the suspenders. My hair was in one long braid hanging down my back, tied with a red-and-white-checked bow. 

The only middle school I could see that going over well at would be Clown Middle School.

Claudia's mother is surprised to see her, and we find out that Claudia is visiting the library to learn more about the works of a local artist named Grandmother Madden who made primitive style paintings. The wikipedia link for primitive art led me to the entry for naïve art. I think that is the preferred term now but the book uses the former. Anyway as Claudia photocopies articles because the books she wanted were checked out, we find out that Grandmother Madden passed away several years prior but her old house is just now going to be cleaned out and all the stuff sold off, and for whatever reason none of the adults in this town can do anything without a bunch of eighth graders hanging around. The client is one Ms. Rebecca Madden, granddaughter of the famed painter. She inherited the house and the contents thereof, and then there was some fighting with some of her cousins over the will, but after the cousins found out that Grandmother Madden had destroyed all of her paintings after getting a bad review in her one New York show, they stopped contesting the will and that is why Rebecca needs Claudia's help to baby-sit her 7 year old son Jimmy and also help sort some of the shit for the estate sale. Oh but despite the bad review of her one show, FYI Grandmother Madden's work is extremely valuable now. All of her grandkids have one painting by her and there are a few in museums and private collections. I realize this is very convoluted but pretty much all of that is just given in an information dump in the book, too.

Claudia immediately decides that there is no way that Grandmother Madden (is this supposed to make me think of Grandma Moses? It's a pain in the ass to keep typing out, too.) would have destroyed all of her paintings. Because Claudia is an artist, and she personally would never destroy all of her paintings, so obviously all other artists think the exact same way and Claudia will find the paintings and be a HERO you guys. I read on the internet that Bill Watterson (the creator of Calvin and Hobbes) now spends his time painting and then destroying the paintings. Nobody tell Claudia, she might have a breakdown.

Someone did not peel the price tag off very carefully.

Claudia has a sitting job on Saturday. "I dressed in overalls and a long-sleeved green-and-blue-striped shirt, then put on a green-and-blue-checked cap, pulling my ponytail through the back." At the house she meets Rebecca, who tells her that people have been trying to see the estate early, and 7-year old Jimmy, who misses his dad and is bored helping his mom get the house ready. Jimmy gives Claudia a tour of the house and while they are in Grandmother Madden's studio which has a lot of canvases painted by her students because apparently bad reviews didn't stop her from giving art lessons even though she destroyed all her own work, Claudia notices a painting of a Japanese woman that she likes quite a bit, but then the doorbell rings and she goes and answers it and it's a guy who says he's working for a company that is helping Rebecca appraise and sort things for the estate sale. Thank goodness she's not having 13-year olds do the appraisals is all I can say. He leaves before Claudia can get Rebecca downstairs to greet him but Rebecca thinks it's probably Mr. Ogura and tells Claudia it's OK to let him in if he comes by again. You know, because it's probably the right guy, most likely. Anyway when Claudia goes upstairs again later the painting of the Japanese woman is gone. She angsts about it off and on for like another hundred pages, but I'll save you the trouble and tell you that Jimmy knocked it over and the paint chipped and he was scared his mom would yell at him so he hid it.

I feel like I am whacking you with a huge wall of text, and this is only like the first three chapters. This mystery is really complicated.

Later a woman who looks kinda like Rebecca comes by and wants to see the sale early but Claudia doesn't let her in, and then Jimmy and Rebecca go to visit Jimmy's dad, who is named James Cook, and he comes back to Stoneybrook with them. He is not always very nice to the BSC members and he kind of snaps at Claudia when she knocks over a painting and tells her that she should stick to sorting books and shit like she was asked and stay away from the potentially valuable things. We are supposed to think that he is an asshole but really he just seems like the most sensible person in the book.

Jimmy finds a cat and his mom like freaks out because the cat looks just like her grandma's string of identical cats who were all named Goldie. Because apparently when one Goldie died she'd just get another cat who looked the same. This seems a little off to me but whatever. The cat Jimmy found is wearing a collar and it has her name on it: Goldie. It does not, however, have an address or phone number of an owner, so James Cook says Jimmy can keep the cat while they try to find the owner. I don't think the owner really wants the cat back if they went to all the trouble to put a collar on her but couldn't be arsed to add any contact info.

Claudia goes to the museum to look at the Grandmother Madden painting they have on display. She finds out that all of G.M.'s paintings were 10 inches square and four of them would fit together to make a scene or they could be displayed on their own. The four that Rebecca and her cousins have are a set, but due to the feud will probably never be displayed together again. Claudia also learns that Grandmother Madden added a little painting of Goldie to all of her pictures. She sees Mr. Ogura at the museum talking to the lady who had come to the house and wanted to see the stuff and she is really suspicious.

The day before the sale is when Claudia finds out that Jimmy had chipped and hidden the painting. He'd stuck it in a closet with a bunch of other paintings that were on 10 inch square canvases. On the day of the sale Claudia wakes up with the realization that Grandmother Madden had let her students paint over her own work. Wait, didn't we already use this in Mallory and the Mystery Diary? Can nobody in Stoneybrook afford blank canvases? Claudia goes to the house to set aside the paintings so she can talk to Rebecca and James, but then the mystery woman who turns out to be Rebecca's cousin Suzanne shows up to take all the paintings and then Mr. Ogura comes to accuse Suzanne of trying to double cross him, and then they lock Claudia in a closet and take off with the super valuable paintings. Jimmy and his dad arrive and Claudia bangs on the closet door, and after she explains, they call the cops and then eventally Mr. Ogura and Suzanne are apprehended and Claudia is a HERO just like she knew she would be cause Grandmother Madden would totally never destroy her paintings and Claudia knew that because she is psychic I guess. Oh also it turns out the cat was Suzanne's cat and she couldn't come banging on the door asking for it back because then Rebecca would know something was up and she couldn't put her name on the collar because that would shorten the book considerably.

The subplot in this is that the museum is adding a kiddie art room and since Claudia is an honorary museum trustee (no, really) they want her to help with it, although it actually ends up being Mary Anne and Abby that do most of the helping. The museum has chosen their most comically inept employee to be in charge of the kids' room. She tries to make the kids all do one art project that she has set out but they don't want to just fill in a picture of someone else's bear and they kind of trash the art room but don't worry guys! The next time, Mary Anne and Abby just let the kids do whatever the hell projects they want because getting out clay and paints and scissors and glue and cotton balls all at the same time is so much more free spirited and then because they are not being stifled by The Man the kids make incredible art which is perfect to line the hallway outside of the Kaleidoscope Room for its grand opening. And the museum employee is totally impressed that the kids made such great art. But of course none of you are surprised, because you knew the BSC would totally be smarter and better with kids than Rigid Art Lady.

#32, Kristy and the Secret of Susan

In this book, Kristy gets a regular job sitting for an autistic child several times a week for a month while she is in between special schools. The book and its descriptions of autism seem very dated in some ways, maybe because so many  more kids are being diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum these days. For one thing, when Mrs. Felder is explaining autism to Kristy, she says that Susan is "extremely retarded." This book doesn't use the word "spectrum" but it's clear that Susan would be on the more severe end of it. She doesn't talk or communicate. She does, however, have some very specialized talents. She can play anything on the piano after hearing it once, and if told a date, she can tell you the day of the week it falls on as long as it's not more than 60 years in the past or 20 years in the future.

Kristy decides within about five minutes of meeting Susan that her parents are wrong to send her to special schools and that she, Kristy, will make Susan make some friends and fit into the neighborhood. It's like she didn't even listen to anything Mrs. Felder said.

There are some other new kids in town, the Hobart family. Ben, James, Mathew, and Johnny are from Australia and they are having a hard time fitting in because the other kids tease them for being different. I am not sure why. When I was a kid my parents were going to college and I met several kids from other countries whose parents were studying in the US. Mostly we just treated them like any other kids except for trying to get them to teach us swear words in their languages. But I guess the Stoneybrook kids are more threatened by anyone who is different. Oh but the kids who are teasing the Hobarts are not the usual sweet well mannered backyard-carnival having kids the BSC usually sits for. It's mainly a couple of boys named Mel and Zach, who show up every so often throughout the series but only in books relating to the Hobarts. They are not friends with anyone else the club sits for.

Kristy takes Susan over to play with the Hobart kids a lot while she is sitting. James, who is eight like Susan, tries to be friends with her, but it's hard because Susan really doesn't have the skills to communicate or play with him. Meanwhile Zach and Mel keep coming by the Hobart boys' backyard to taunt them about being Australian and talking funny. (I found out much much later from Australian friends on the internet that the "Aussie slang" in these books is about as accurate at the portrayal of all Californians as being blonde health nuts anyway.)

At an assembly at school, Kristy is seated behind the special ed class, and sees that one boy is autistic although less severely than Susan. This redoubles her determination to show the Felders that Susan could be educated right in good ol' Stoneybrook. You know, because the thought probably never crossed their mind at all. Also she describes all of the kids in the class and says that three of them are retarded. This book contains a lot of usage of the words retard and retarded and it's very jarring.

The most memorable scene in this book is one that happens toward the end, when Kristy is sitting and kids keep coming over to ask Susan dates or get her to play the piano. One girl has brought a record of The Sheik of Araby. The record skips and when Susan plays and sings the song, she plays the skips. Kristy discovers that Mel Tucker is charging the kids a dollar to do this and calling Susan "the incredible retard who can memorize dates and music. The amazing dumbo who can sing but not talk." Kristy yells at him and he runs away. I always think of that scene first when I think of this book.

After yelling at Mel, Kristy goes over to the Hobart house and James is playing and skateboarding with Zach, who wants to be friends with him after all. Kristy sits and talks to Claudia who is sitting for the Hobarts and says she's realized that Susan is very severely handicapped and that probably her parents have made the right decision for her schooling.

Kristy goes over for one last sitting job and helps Mrs. Felder pack up Susan's things for the new school, and they talk about Susan and she finds out that Mrs. Felder is pregnant with another little girl who will be named Hope. I think it would have been nice if the club had ever sat for Hope or even seen her out and about with her mom but the Felders are one-book characters so they never did.

At the end of the book Mallory announces that Ben Hobart asked her to the movies, which marks the official start of their awkward geeky romance. (In one book they have a fight over the right way to use the card catalog.) It's things like this that made me think my school was just backwards, because I was eleven when this book was published and nobody I knew was going on dates to the movies.